Stand Down
January 5th, 2012
WE CAN ALL CALM DOWN NOW PEOPLE. THE MEDICATION HAS BEEN FOUND. As it turned out, the medication WAS on the kitchen counter, but if you knew how full of drugs medicine and helpful products my kitchen counter is, you’d understand why it wasn’t easy to find. The damn bottle was actually on its side [...]
In Which I Explain Why The Tech Guru Calls Me ‘Hooker’ and I Call Him ‘Motherfucker’
November 23rd, 2011
Be forewarned: it’s really not that exciting. I don’t know if I should even tell you. I’m sure it’s a lot more titillating for you to think that we yell these out at each other when we’re having raw, crazy, baboon-style sex. (FYI, I don’t really know anything about baboons and their sex lives. It just [...]
We Did Not Get the Memo on Child Labor
November 20th, 2011
Today we are out driving on useless important errands, and we pass a farm that is already set up with Christmas trees. CHRISTMAS TREES, PEOPLE! It is not even THANKSGIVING. It is not even MY BIRTHDAY. (My birthday is in November, in case you didn’t know, and is treated as a national holiday in this house for [...]
The Pendulum Swings From Side to Side
November 15th, 2011
You know my secret theory…the one where I think my kids are planning to have me committed and doing their best to get me there. (And honestly, it’s not going to take much.) This morning, Pudding decided to add his 2 cents. He asks ME, for a corn muffin. I do not go to get [...]
I Didn’t Tell Him To, I Swear
November 9th, 2011
Yesterday we hied to the doctor for Pudding’s annual checkup. If you’ve been reading for any decent stretch of time, you know my theory, the Murphy’s Law of Doctors. Well, that came into play again yesterday. Having left the pediatrician we had previously because of constantly having to deal with the one asshole in a [...]
I Am Alive…I Think
November 1st, 2011
Hey, you! Have you been looking for me? At least pretend you were. Jeez, give my ego a boost. So what has happened in the last almost 2 months? Um… Lots of funny shit with the kids, that’s for sure. I mean, they are a HOOT. Punksin passed her swimming level and is now in [...]
If You’re Having a Baby, Call Pudding
August 1st, 2011
I absolutely love the names Pudding comes up with. I swear, I should get him to name people in my books. His stuffed camel is named Humps. A small stuffed bear he has is named Mr. Bearwinkles. And his stuffed bulldog is RuffRuff. I think he outdid himself yesterday, however, when he and his sister [...]
Mrs. Meany-Pants
July 12th, 2011
So yesterday, Pudding punches his sister in the arm while we’re driving in the car. This is not new. This is often how he vents his frustration with her, and believe me, I understand how he can get frustrated with his bossy/overbearing/cooing sister. Whatever she’s doing, she usually goes over the top with, whether it’s [...]
I Hope He’s Not Thinking About Penile Enlargement
June 29th, 2011
You have to love conversations with little kids. They cover a whole lot of seemingly unrelated subjects in under 5 minutes. It’s like those speed dates where you learn about someone in 5 minutes and move on. All conversations should be that efficient. Today, I’m in the potty bathroom watching Pudding pee, because I’m still [...]
NEVER, I Tell You
June 24th, 2011
Pudding announced this morning that he will not be getting married. And therefore, he added, we did not need to be getting him “married clothes,” whatever those are. He has also announced – most of the things Pudding says come in the form of impromptu announcements that are totally apropos of nothing – that he [...]
