THIS IS SERIOUS NEWS

I hope you’re sitting down when you read this, because you are going to be FLOORED by what I am about to tell you.

Kim Kardashian’s kitten…

HAS DIED.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, PEOPLE? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??? How will we EVER RECOVER from the absolute devastation? I’m SO GLAD YOU TOLD ME, MEDIA. I mean, I know there’s shit happening in Egypt and there’s an internal war going on in Congress about whether or not we’ll all get fucked by higher taxes next year. I know this. I know that kids are missing across America. I know that kids are going HUNGRY across America. I know that, although no one is talking about it anymore, people in Haiti are still FUCKED. I know that a lot of people here in the States were screwed by RunMotherFuckerRunRainPocalypse Sandy and are still trying to get their lives back in order. And I guess it’s because YOU know that I already KNOW all that shit, that you decided to bypass all that nonsense and get straight to the IMPORTANT stuff: the death of Kim Kardashian’s fucking CAT. Which apparently wasn’t even really HER cat anymore because she discovered she’s ALLERGIC to cats, so she gave it to her assistant, but…SHE STILL LOVED THE CAT, and she is WAY more famous than some assistant probably making minimum wage, and if we talked about her assistant’s cat dying, then there really wouldn’t be a story, and we need there to be a story, because it’s Kim Kardashian, and dumb asses like me will click on the story, although some dumb asses will be clicking on it from GENUINE INTEREST, whereas I click on it because I am completely FUCKING ASTOUNDED that this is even news and I can’t tear my eyes away because it’s like a car crash except there are no cars and what is crashing is the FUCKING INTELLIGENCE OF OUR SOCIETY.

I should point out here, that I love cats. I love dogs. Really, I love animals. You know where you stand with a fucking animal. If it likes you, you know. If it doesn’t, or it’s scared, maybe it pees on you or sprays you or shoots quills at you or something. Or in the case of a larger animal like a bear or a tiger, you get mauled to death. But even as your entrails are being pulled out of you like Silly String, you KNOW: this animal DOES NOT LIKE ME. (Or, this animal is very hungry.)  I like animals. My great-grandfather always used to say that the more he dealt with the human race, the more he liked dogs. I SO get that.

But this is NEWS? I mean, what next? Kim Kardashian Wipes Her Ass After Pooping? Really? And then it’ll be a whole article about how she needed to use extra toilet tissue because her ass is so ginormous and lovely?*

Oh yeah, speaking of news and current events, Happy Hanukkah to all my Hanukkan friends. I know you guys are busy celebrating but put down the latkes for ONE MINUTE and PLEASE OBSERVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR KIM KARDASHIAN’S CAT, okay? Stop being so goddamn selfish. I mean, Jesus.

Oh wait…you guys aren’t really so into him, huh? Being Hanukkan and all. Well, whatever. Just…stop the celebrating, which is EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE when someone is GRIEVING, and send Kim Kardashian some love. I mean, the cat was named MERCY, for God’s sake. If that doesn’t prove how humanitarian and wonderful Kim is, well, I don’t know what does. I bet YOUR cat isn’t named Mercy, you bastards. Right. So THERE.

 

* – I have to say, most of the men who are into Kim’s ass really aren’t as discerning as they should be. It’s a nice butt as long as it’s encased in something. But throw her into a bikini and whoa, there goes the cellulite and the flabbiness. It’s not that tight, guys. And I’m not hating on her, not at all. Good for her AND her ass that they are both so popular. I hope her ass is insured by Lloyds; that and her vagina, given that her rise to fame came on the release of a sex tape. I mean, she doesn’t sing, dance, act, write a fucking book or, from what I can tell, read one. All she does is sleep with Black men. And that’s awesome but…FAMOUS for it? Really? I’d be a lot more likely to engage in a menage a trois impressed with her butt if she was tight back there. God knows she can certainly afford a personal trainer. I mean, if you just want a woman with a big butt and you don’t really care if it goes all to hell once the jeans come off, shit! Go to the mall! There are LOADS of them out there. Big butts, big boobs and a truckload of makeup. JUST LIKE KIM. 

I’m just saying.

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Posted in The Bod, The Rants | 5 Comments »

5 Responses to “THIS IS SERIOUS NEWS”

  1. TwoNuse says:

    Two things:

    First, is your righteous ire aimed at Kardashian or the coverage of Kardashian? I felt the same way about Team Beyonce prior to her moving on as a solo artist; I didn’t care for the obvious string pulling by Team Bey to make their girl the shining star, anyone else with any talent be damned (I still don’t know how Jennifer Hudson didn’t suffer an ‘accident’ after she got the Effie White role).

    Second, I believe when you don’t have a determinable talent, having a poorly lit sex tape released is EXACTLY the way to get your name in the public sphere. Now, what you do with that notoriety after the DVD drops is more interesting to me.

    As crazy is this is going to sound, I’m impressed with Kardashian’s hustle (post sex tape; I haven’t seen the footage, but I’ve heard her energy wasn’t exactly over the top). She (and I’m sure she gets it from her mama) has decided she will never be broke/unknown and is willing to do whatever to keep the money/eyeballs coming.

    And I don’t think the formula is fuck famous black guys=profit. She’d be banging Reggie Bush anyway*. I think the formula is to put her business in the street and let the overheated entertainment press machine carry her to where she wants to go.

    Compare her to the lazy and vile Paris Hilton, who parlayed her donation to cinema to, well, I’m not sure what she parlayed it into. A television show with diminishing returns? A musical ‘career’ that if she is lucky would achieve the same heights as Rebecca Black?

    I’m not on Team Kardashian. But I can’t knock her hustle.

    (*Reggie Bush may be my hero, by the way. He has used his football talents to get a bunch of $ from potential agents while in college, then tells said agents to pound sand when they wanted to represent him as a pro. USC suffered the punishment for that, not Reggie. Then, he couples with Kardashian (literally and figuratively), increasing his Q rating. THEN, he pulls the ripcord on the relationship before he can be sucked into the emasculating role of purse holder Kris Humphries and Lamar Odom have. Bravo Mr. Bush, Bravo.)

    • Leila says:

      Funny you should mention her sex tape energy – someone recently mentioned it to me as a commendable performance. This was someone who had supposedly seen it. I think you’re going to need to see it for yourself to make that judgment, kiddo, and stop going on hearsay. As for me, I have nothing against good porn but I have as much interest in seeing Kim Kardashian get pounded as I do in shoving pencils into my eyeballs.

      No, I’m not hating on Kim, actually. I mean, as you said, she’s doing what she needs to do to get paid. I think it’s highly unfortunate, however, that so many people have gotten sucked into following her. Or is it that the media is pushing her on us whether we like it or not? It’s hard to tell anymore. All I know is, I’m always seeing her face (or butt), and…I don’t really know WHY. At least Beyonce can sing, and I’m not a BeyBey fan either.

      I pretty much put her (Kim) in the same category as Paris, frankly. Neither of them brings anything to the table. Paris may be more annoying in that her extremely privileged status as an heiress made her a clueless obnoxious twat from day one of her bursting onto the celebrity scene. But that’s because she never needed the money. She just wanted the fame. I’m not sure if Kim is that “annoying.” For that alone I guess I would give her a few more “cool” points than Paris. But I’m not sure why I’m seeing either one of them…EVER. I mean, Kim is famous for sleeping with Ray-J, and HIS ass is only famous because he’s Brandy’s brother. Now Kim is more famous than Brandy. Who can, at least, sing. Why is this?

      I stopped trying to figure it out because I realize the overall dumbing down of society is increasing at a frightening clip. There’s Kim Kardashian overkill and there’s people calling Obama the anti-Christ and comparing him to Hitler. It’s a scary world out there. The more I deal with the human race…

  2. TwoNuse says:

    I can answer one of your questions.

    In a world where entertainment media has exploded (it used to be only Star and National Enquirer who cared what star was sleeping with what star; now whole television networks are born to answer that question), there needs to be grist for the mill.

    Kim Kardashian is the gristiest.

    And there is nothing new to this. Charo and Pia Zadora used their meager talents (Charo’s guitar talents may be a little more than meager, but they weren’t the reason for her level of fame in the US) and their willingness to show up at the opening of an envelope to make themselves more famous than that may have deserved. Unfortunately for them, the apex of their fame would bring them a recurring role on ‘The Love Boat’ or the upper middle position on ‘Hollywood Squares’, and not the television shows, endorsement opportunities, and 55 gallon drums of ‘fame’ that Kimmy Kim has secured.

    • Leila says:

      “willingness to show up at the opening of an envelope” – best line ever. LOL

      Although you neglected to add that the envelope-openings must be secured with oodles of cash or else no deal.

      And gristiest? LOVE that word.

      Yeah, life sure has changed from our youthful days (which, as I recall, were what, a few WEEKS ago?). Fame is a whole new THING. I mean, as I sit here and type this, my sidebar, which shows me articles out there on the internets related to my article, has NINE ARTICLES on the death of Kim’s fucking cat, with such headlines as “Kim Kardashian: My Kitten Mercy Has Passed Away” or “Kim Kardashian’s Heart ‘Completely Broken’ After Kitten ‘Mercy’ Dies”, which is probably more than she felt after the death of her less-than-3-month marriage to Kris Humphries, but then, he seems to be somewhat of an asshole. And again, I know how she feels. My cat was 9 years old when he died and I was absolutely fucking distraught, to the point that the vet began to get concerned for my health because I also happened to be 6 months pregnant with my daughter. Mind you, though, we had 9 years of history, dating from my single days in my own apartment back in Park Slope with nary a piece of furniture. That cat had come with me a LONG way, and we’d been THROUGH some shit. So I was quite a wreck. Unfortunately, my grief did not end up being more grist for more cash.

      Ah well…as they say, don’t hate the player, hate the game, and that’s pretty much what I’m doing here. More power to her if abcnews.com wants to make note of it every time she blinks.

  3. TwoNuse says:

    I can’t take credit for ‘opening of an envelope’.

    Gristiest is mine.