December 9th, 2012
I hope you’re sitting down when you read this, because you are going to be FLOORED by what I am about to tell you.
Kim Kardashian’s kitten…
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, PEOPLE? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??? How will we EVER RECOVER from the absolute devastation? I’m SO GLAD YOU TOLD ME, MEDIA. I mean, I know there’s shit happening in Egypt and there’s an internal war going on in Congress about whether or not we’ll all get fucked by higher taxes next year. I know this. I know that kids are missing across America. I know that kids are going HUNGRY across America. I know that, although no one is talking about it anymore, people in Haiti are still FUCKED. I know that a lot of people here in the States were screwed by RunMotherFuckerRunRainPocalypse Sandy and are still trying to get their lives back in order. And I guess it’s because YOU know that I already KNOW all that shit, that you decided to bypass all that nonsense and get straight to the IMPORTANT stuff: the death of Kim Kardashian’s fucking CAT. Which apparently wasn’t even really HER cat anymore because she discovered she’s ALLERGIC to cats, so she gave it to her assistant, but…SHE STILL LOVED THE CAT, and she is WAY more famous than some assistant probably making minimum wage, and if we talked about her assistant’s cat dying, then there really wouldn’t be a story, and we need there to be a story, because it’s Kim Kardashian, and dumb asses like me will click on the story, although some dumb asses will be clicking on it from GENUINE INTEREST, whereas I click on it because I am completely FUCKING ASTOUNDED that this is even news and I can’t tear my eyes away because it’s like a car crash except there are no cars and what is crashing is the FUCKING INTELLIGENCE OF OUR SOCIETY.
I should point out here, that I love cats. I love dogs. Really, I love animals. You know where you stand with a fucking animal. If it likes you, you know. If it doesn’t, or it’s scared, maybe it pees on you or sprays you or shoots quills at you or something. Or in the case of a larger animal like a bear or a tiger, you get mauled to death. But even as your entrails are being pulled out of you like Silly String, you KNOW: this animal DOES NOT LIKE ME. (Or, this animal is very hungry.) I like animals. My great-grandfather always used to say that the more he dealt with the human race, the more he liked dogs. I SO get that.
But this is NEWS? I mean, what next? Kim Kardashian Wipes Her Ass After Pooping? Really? And then it’ll be a whole article about how she needed to use extra toilet tissue because her ass is so ginormous and lovely?*
Oh yeah, speaking of news and current events, Happy Hanukkah to all my Hanukkan friends. I know you guys are busy celebrating but put down the latkes for ONE MINUTE and PLEASE OBSERVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR KIM KARDASHIAN’S CAT, okay? Stop being so goddamn selfish. I mean, Jesus.
Oh wait…you guys aren’t really so into him, huh? Being Hanukkan and all. Well, whatever. Just…stop the celebrating, which is EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE when someone is GRIEVING, and send Kim Kardashian some love. I mean, the cat was named MERCY, for God’s sake. If that doesn’t prove how humanitarian and wonderful Kim is, well, I don’t know what does. I bet YOUR cat isn’t named Mercy, you bastards. Right. So THERE.
* – I have to say, most of the men who are into Kim’s ass really aren’t as discerning as they should be. It’s a nice butt as long as it’s encased in something. But throw her into a bikini and whoa, there goes the cellulite and the flabbiness. It’s not that tight, guys. And I’m not hating on her, not at all. Good for her AND her ass that they are both so popular. I hope her ass is insured by Lloyds; that and her vagina, given that her rise to fame came on the release of a sex tape. I mean, she doesn’t sing, dance, act, write a fucking book or, from what I can tell, read one. All she does is sleep with Black men. And that’s awesome but…FAMOUS for it? Really? I’d be a lot more
likely to engage in a menage a trois impressed with her butt if she was tight back there. God knows she can certainly afford a personal trainer. I mean, if you just want a woman with a big butt and you don’t really care if it goes all to hell once the jeans come off, shit! Go to the mall! There are LOADS of them out there. Big butts, big boobs and a truckload of makeup. JUST LIKE KIM.
I’m just saying.