I Am A Weapon of Mass Destruction

I can’t find my phone.

I would ask one of you fabulous folks to call me so I could locate it, but the ringer is off, which it always is, because although I have a phone, I don’t really like TALKING to people.

I JUST had it a minute ago, I swear, and now it’s AWOL.

So then the Tech Guru, who was on the potty when I first began looking for it, decided to HELP.

This is the conversation while he is HELPING:

I just hope it’s not in the washer.”

I eyed him darkly, assuming he meant the dishwasher, which I had loaded about 30 minutes previously. “In the washer? How the hell would it be in the dishwasher?

I’m just saying…

How would it be in the DISHWASHER? I washed an iPod, okay, that was because it was IN A COAT. How would my PHONE, get in the DISHWASHER? Was it in a CUP? Jesus, I’m not STUPID.”

Not the dishwasher, the WASHER.”

Well, seeing as how I haven’t done a load of clothes since 7 PM, and it is now 12:30 IN THE MORNING, and I just had the phone a FEW MINUTES AGO, I’m not sure how it would be IN THE WASHER.”

Okay, well -”

Just go to bed. Please. GO. TO. BED.”

He went to bed.

You wash ONE FUCKING IPOD and all of a sudden, you just can’t be trusted not to throw the fucking TV into the washing machine. Gee, my computer looks dirty. Maybe I’ll send it through a rinse cycle. Oh wow, the iPad has fingerprints all over it, let’s soak that fucker in hot water.

So now I can’t find my phone, and I’m pissed that I can’t find my phone, and I’m pissed that the Tech Guru even remotely hinted that I had fucked up yet again. Like, okay, I am absent-minded and prone to do…UNUSUAL things. But washing an iPod ONCE in the whole HISTORY OF IPODS does not mean I should now be suspected of this whenever a piece of technology goes missing.

I’m going to look for my phone. I need it to get to sleep. I listen to audio books and although I never make it through the full 15 minutes before the sleep timer kicks in, if I DON’T use it, I’m lying there tossing and turning. Besides I need to make an early exit and the last thing I need to be doing is spending an hour in the morning looking for a goddamn PHONE.


Let me go check the WASHING MACHINE.


UPDATE: After a furious half-hour of stalking around the house being disgruntled, I said fuck it and went to bed. Which is when I found my PHONE, tucked under my PILLOW, where I must have stashed it in preparation for going to bed and then promptly FORGOTTEN. I am really getting worried about how forgetful I am, but aside from that, it should be noted here that my pillow was NOT IN THE WASHING MACHINE AT THE TIME. THANK YOU.

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Posted in General Crap, The Fam, The Rants | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “I Am A Weapon of Mass Destruction”

  1. Linda says:

    Did you find it? I washed my iPod once. Rice does not fix everything.

    • Leila says:

      And yes, Linda, we are sadly discovering that rice does not fix everything. It would seem, however, that money does – meaning that when Mommy fucks up and washes the iPod, Mommy has to buy a new one.

  2. TwoNuse says:

    The Find My Phone app has helped me immensely in my later years. Of course, if your phone isn’t an iPhone, I don’t know what to tell you.

    • Leila says:

      Of COURSE my phone is an iPhone. Are there other types of phones? I mean, REALLY. Hmmm…I’ve heard of that app but I thought it only worked to within a few yards or feet, and I knew the phone was in the goddamn bedroom but just not WHERE. I will have to investigate this app further. Now if they could just come up with an app to tell me where my wallet is, life would be lovely.