November 24th, 2012
I sit here at my computer and feel as though blood should be dripping on the keys.
But, my wounds are internal, unseen, untended.
Today the dragon came and he did not find a white dragon waiting for him. I tried SO hard to be that white dragon, today of all days, but…I failed. At every turn, I encountered his reinforcements. And the worst of it all was that he did not bring in outsiders. Those, I could have fought, beaten, slain.
But when he uses your own people against you…the sheer surprise of it leaves you breathless.
They say that it is the people closest to you that have the power to wound you most deeply. The ones you love, the ones you trust…when that love and trust is broken, when the gashes in your side have been delivered by your own troops, those you thought to keep you safe, secure, those whose love and loyalty you depended on…well then its often hard to tell which is worse, the wound itself or the surprise of its bearer.
The only good I can say is…the battle is over. The dragon has flown away. Recall, he never kills me, he likes to toy with me, in much the same way a cat plays with a mouse. He left, not because I bade him go, not because I bested him, but because I simply had no fight left today. Not today. Perhaps another day, but today…today I have nothing left.
And so today, he has left, not because of pity or respect but because I forfeited pretty early on. This morning at 3 A.M. I had an anxiety attack and the day only worsened from there. I simply gave up because I knew that today, of all days, I would be vulnerable and unable to fight.
Not that that stopped the dragon immediately. He laughed with derision at my weakness and sent an onslaught of fire my way. Blow after blow rained down…things that were said, things that were done, things that were NOT said, things that were NOT done. The more it rained, the more bowed my head, the heavier the droop of my shoulders, the deeper the scorch wounds to my heart and soul, until finally I slumped on the rampart, tears streaming down my face, and it was then that he saw my defeat. I had no fight today.
I had no fight.
It is not over. Today was not a fair fight because he knew I would be weak today. He knew I would be frail and vulnerable and unable to summon the strength to fight with bloodlust in my eyes and a smirk on my lips. He knew this. And he took those on whom I depended to carry the day for me, and turned them against me, taking those who could have salvaged the battle to use as weapons in my own downfall. And because it was they wielding the swords, and not strangers, the wounds run very deep.
So be it, dragon. So be it.
Tomorrow is another day.