So Where Did You Buy YOUR Vagina?

I hate when I’m all late to the news, which is, like, ALL THE TIME.

Apparently, there are DESIGNER VAGINAS.

NO ONE TOLD ME.

Did YOU know there are designer vaginas?

I found out that there are designer vaginas when I came across this article which is about how poorly designer vaginas are explained on most websites….websites ABOUT designer vaginas, that is. Which was news to me, both that there ARE designer vaginas, AND that they have websites.

My vagina does not have a website, I have to say, but that could be because it’s not a DESIGNER vagina. I’m not saying it’s COSTCO brand or anything, but it’s not like my vagina was designed by Alexander McQueen or something.

What the fuck is a designer vagina?

Because I was feeling very left out and wondering if my vagina should be sent to the Salvation Army while I shop for a new one, I figured I would do some research. The same article above sent me to DrMatlock.com, which, just the name had me worried because I had visions of surgery being done by Andy Griffith. And he died back in July, so as much as I loved him on the Andy Griffith show, I really don’t want him performing surgery on my vagina. Or anywhere else.

Dr. Matlock offers me the promise of a WONDER WOMAN/MOMMY MAKEOVER, which according to the site:

usually involve choosing an appropriate combination of breast, body and vaginal rejuvenation procedures, including: breast augmentation, tummy tuck, breast lift, breast reduction, mini tummy tuck, Brazilian Butt Augmentation and liposuction.

You see that? Buried in there, VAGINAL REJUVENATION.

Apparently, they have discovered THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH FOR VAGINAS. AWESOME.

And here I always thought of my vagina like a Timex watch: takes a licking and keeps on ticking. But eventually, when it runs out, I can get a DESIGNER VAGINA!

I sort of get it. After I had Punksin, and the 3rd degree episiotomy that almost left me cut in half, my GYN had to do some minor surgery of her own to literally sew me up. And admittedly, when I looked down there after just a few days, I cried. It didn’t look…the same. And even now, I can tell the difference between pre-Punksin vagina and post-Punksin vagina. (NO, I will NOT BE POSTING BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS.) It’s not something I ever thought of FIXING, but…maybe I should? Maybe I should ask The Tech Guru if he’s okay with the Target Vagina or if I should upgrade to Vagina by Oscar de la Renta. What if I’m all “my vagina is just fine as it is” and HE’S all “goddammit, I make enough fucking money, could she just get a brand new designer vagina already and stop dragging that old thing around“?

Yikes.

I have to tell you, though…the website? THEY have before and after shots. And I have to say…the after shots? Well…you can sort of see why someone would want a vagina to look like that. But before I go getting me a designer vagina, I want to know: who’s the designer? Does it have a label on it or something? Was it made in Milan? Can I see it on a runway? Do I get a money-back guarantee or a powertrain warranty up to 100,000 miles or something?

And most importantly, do they sell knock-offs?

 

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Posted in The Bod | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “So Where Did You Buy YOUR Vagina?”

  1. TwoNuse says:

    At least we know Heidi Klum’s next venture when Project Runway bites the dust.

  2. Adina says:

    I laughed so hard! And then I decided to do some research. Things are DEFINITELY not what they used to be since the reproduction took place. Need to find the right designer though. I think the OB who did the stitching was not very concerned with how fashionable his work was. Very unfortunate! Do you get to upgrade when the fashion changes? Before and after pictures – WANT!!!!!!

    • Leila says:

      Okay I should clarify. EW is not about you and your comment, Adina. I believe we should all do whatever research is necessary to decide if our vaginas are designer material or not. The EW was about Heidi Klum, a woman I find…totally UNfascinating, for some reason. The most interesting thing she ever did was get accused of “fornicating with the help” by ex-hubby Seal. Now THAT was hilarious.

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