And The Advice Column Begins

Waaay back when, I promised you that you would be seeing a re-do of the site.

Well, I’ve been a little slow about it.

The photo shoot that needs to happen for the re-do…hasn’t happened.

The artwork that needs to happen…hasn’t happened.

Both things are kind of my fault, because I haven’t SCHEDULED the photo shoot OR pursued the artwork, and I need to get on that pronto, so…thanks for the reminder!

But part of what I was going to be doing in here was an advice column.

After you stop wheezing with laughter and laughing so hard that you wet yourself, let me know.

<drums fingers while rolling eyes>

You done yet?

Yes. I do give good advice. I can solve YOUR problems without batting an eye. It’s my OWN fucking problems that seem to be freaking impossible to navigate. Maybe what I’ll do is, call one of YOU guys, tell you my problems, and you can submit it here to the site all ANONYMOUS-LIKE, and then I’ll answer it, and then you’ll call me back and tell me what to do and voila! My life will be perfect! Mother doesn’t like you? Fuck her. Friend lies to you all the time? Why the fuck are you still bothering? Drop her ass like a bad habit and keep it moving – you probably don’t even know her real name. Husband won’t give you a baby? Fuck someone else! Husbands come and husbands go, but kids are yours forever!

Do you see how fabulous my advice is?

Really, I wasn’t going to begin the advice column until the whole makeover was complete, but I was moved to after I received this unsolicited question from what I can only hope was a 13-year old. Actually, I hope not, because 13-year olds should really not be reading my site. Maybe I should do like the liquor companies and make them swear they’re over 21 before they’re allowed in. Although…they can’t really think that works, can they? I mean, I know our education system is going to hell in a handbasket but most kids are savvy enough to know when they were SUPPOSED to be born to thwart age limits.

Anyhow, here was the question, I swear to you this was REAL. It wasn’t a question, it was a search term, and somehow the person looking this up ended up on my site, which proves that I am a TOTAL AUTHORITY ON THE SUBJECT:

Dear Leila: Is it normal to have hair on your vagina? Sincerely, Scared in Vagina Virginia

Dear Scared:

It is totally normal to have hair on your vagina, especially in the winter months when we gals need all the fur we can muster up to stay warm. During the summer, however, and particularly if you have a sexual partner who is willing to pay close and personal loving attention to your vadge, you might want to take some hedge clippers to that sucker. There’s nothing worse than looking down and seeing your partner pull a machete out of a back pocket as though he needs to cut his way through the Amazon Rainforest to find your clitoris. I mean, he/she is already doing you a favor, the least you could do is do some de-forestation to make it easy to get around down there. It’s also a mood-killer when your partner starts choking on your pubic hair. I mean, picture this: things are going well, you’re just about to climax – wait, no, maybe not, try again – okay, NOW…no, wait…a little longer…well, you’re sort of on your way if only whoever’s down there would KEEP DOING what you LIKE and stop doing that OTHER shit that just annoys you to fucking distraction, you slap him/her in the face and they finally get the hint and things are going swimmingly and all of a sudden just as you’re coasting into la-la land and seeing fireworks and fairies and the dark side of the moon, all of a sudden your cat sits next to you and starts coughing up a fur ball. And it sounds really disgusting and it totally kills your mood and you reach over to smack the cat off the bed and then it hits you.

You don’t even HAVE a cat.

EMBARRASSING!!!

So yes, hair on the vagina is normal. If you’re a GUY and you’re wondering if hair on a woman’s vagina is normal, then yes to you too, and I can only hope that the sight of a hairy one didn’t scare your testicles back up into your abdomen. I mean, YOU have hair down there, don’t you? The same places you get hair, WE get hair, just usually…a little less. If your female partner is sporting a thatch thicker than ZZ Top’s beard, it could just be that she hasn’t had any in a while and you’ve surprised her. Or she could be one of those chicks that never shaves anything and that’s okay too if you’re into dating Sasquatch. Whatever floats your boat. But hair…down THERE…is not extraordinAIRE.

Love, peace and Xanax,

Leila

P.S. – It occurs to me that, due to the brevity of your question, I really had to make some assumptions in order to come up with an answer. Like assuming you were talking about humans. But maybe you WEREN’T asking about humans, maybe you wanted to know if dolphins have hair on their vaginas, or, I don’t know, proboscis monkeys. The truth is…I really don’t know. And I’m a little worried about why YOU want to know. I mean, even if you’re doing a doctoral dissertation on the mating habits of the proboscis monkey, I’m thinking you can still get by without that tidbit of information. Regardless of why you might need it, I really can’t help you. The only thing I can suggest is sidling up to a proboscis monkey or a dolphin in a bar and buying it a few drinks and then when the conversation is nice and flowing you can just sort of THROW it out there: Hey, do you have hair on your vagina? That could get really interesting. Be sure to bring friends because I know for a fact that dolphins can KICK ASS when they get pissed. I’ve seen it happen. Not to me. I would never piss off a dolphin, which is probably why I never asked one if they had hair on their vagina. Maybe if they’d ask me first, I would have. You know, tit for tat sort of thing. But in general, I try not to have those conversations with non-humans. It just gets a little…weird.

  • A Voice for Men fights the rising tide of loose vaginas (manboobz.com) (Um, I’m not really sure what this article about, not having read it yet, but it sure SOUNDS interesting. I’m not sure how you “fight the rising tide of loose vaginas,” though. Seems like the only way to fight the loose vagina is to stay out of it altogether. I mean, let’s face it, if you’re a dude who is sexually active, somewhere along the way you have CONTRIBUTED to this whole loose vagina problem. If you kept your MEMBER in your pants, (and why they hell do romance novelists refer to it as a MEMBER? Does it belong to a club or something?) maybe there wouldn’t be so many loose vaginas flopping all over the place like discarded whoopee cushions. Also, if a woman just gave birth to YOUR BABY, it could feel a little cavernous in there for a bit until things shrink back down to something approximating normal, but give a little respect that if she delivered through the vadge, she just pushed a whole BRAIN and accompanying body out of there. You should be glad things got a little loose, although trust me, we’d be a lot happier if babies came out like those little pill things that you throw into the bathtub and they blow up into animals? That would be awesome: out comes this thin sliver, you dip it in water, and BOOM, instant baby and your vadge no worse for wear! But I gotta tell you,  this whole “fighting loose vaginas” sounds like more ammunition in the War on Women. Maybe women should fight back…start sending a petition around for Pricks That Are Thick. There’s always 2 ways to skin a cat, folks…)

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