The Black Wave Descends

So its day 2 of feeling like crap without a fucking clue as to why.

All I know is, I am very emotional. And overwhelmed.

And I can’t blame this on my impending period because it’s not really impending. As a matter of fact, right now I am heading right into my fertile period, which usually means I get horny as hell.

That is so not the case right now. I mean, I could do with some love, no doubt, but I feel it more on an emotional level than a physical level. I need to have something emotional leading to something physical. I need to be cuddled and whispered to and adored and caressed and soothed and…and loved. To go straight to the handcuffs and the down-and-dirty isn’t really going to work for my fragile emotional state right now.


I am about to take Pudding to his Level 2 class. This is the next to last class. This is the 3rd time he is taking this fucking godawful swimming class. If he does not pass again, I will cry. Not out of disappointment but out of fear for HIS pain. The Tech Guru swears that Pudding has it all in proper perspective now, but sometimes I think he forgets that although they are intelligent, they are still young. Pudding is still 5 years old, and the memory of him sobbing when he first failed Level 2 just crushes me, so much so that just talking about it with the Tech Guru again made ME cry. He is my son. I do not want him to feel like a failure. I do not want him to hurt. But I’m not sure that he’s not going to fail again, because when he started this session, after having been out of the pool for the whole summer, it was as though he had lost whatever progress he had made.

I don’t know who will be more upset if he doesn’t pass next Monday, him or me, but if I feel the way I do then I can pretty much guarantee that if he’s crying I’ll be crying with him. And that if he’s NOT crying, I’ll be crying anyway.

I am trying to stay afloat. It’s hard. I want to just sink and know that I will be caught. But I feel like if I sink I will drown. Everyone is too busy and preoccupied to even deal with me furthermore take care of me. The Tech Guru is swamped, and…who else is there that gives a shit? Most times, I don’t even give a shit. So why would I expect anyone else to? The worst thing is to hope for that and be disappointed. And I think I’ve had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

So I’m treading water – which I absolutely SUCK at in real life – and who knows, maybe a shark will come and eat me and end the misery. Right now, I so don’t care. I’m just going through the motions. And today, as yesterday…

I just can’t write anymore.



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