Looking For the Perfect Beat

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that most of you don’t even know that the title of this post is also the title of a song. This is straight-up 80s right here, folks.

The reason this song even came into my head, however, is that…I sort of feel like that’s what my heart is doing these days.

I don’t know what is going on. Some time back I wrote about how my iron levels are dangerously low and my doctor wanted me to come in to discuss it. And how further research on my own indicated that low iron could also lead to heart…irregularities, let’s just say.

Um…I haven’t gone in yet.

I’ve been busy! There’s been the car shopping, and Pudding in the ER, and…I don’t know, just shit and life in general and I know it’s all a set of poor excuses but it’s all I’ve got.

But methinks it’s really time for me to haul my ass in there before I fucking keel over. Seriously.

For the past several days, I have felt like I’ve been living in some sort of time-space continuum. That’s the only way I can explain it. I tried explaining it to the Tech Guru and he just looked at me blankly. And I don’t blame him, because how I’ve been feeling is just…weird.

I feel dizzy all the time now. If I move suddenly I feel myself losing my equilibrium. Sometimes I start to walk and I realize that I’m walking and leaning to one side or the other, sort of the way toddlers walk because their heads are heavier than the rest of their bodies so it sort of pulls? That’s what is happening. And I don’t even notice until I get close to a doorway or a wall and I realize that my body is not completely parallel to the wall the way it SHOULD be and that I’m perilously close to knocking my head off.

Then there’s the heart skipping thing, which is like riding a fucking roller coaster without having to go to Six Flags. Every so often, several times a day, I feel my heart doing something…weird. Sometimes it feels like it has stopped and is then racing to get back on pace. Other times it just starts racing without stopping first. (This is where the looking for the perfect beat part comes in, because that’s what it feels like my heart is doing when it’s galloping at a 100 mph after coming to a total freaking STOP. What is it STOPPING for? To smoke a cigarette? I don’t even smoke!)

And that’s when shit gets really weird, because when it happens, I feel like I black out for a nano-second. Not enough for me to lose total track of time, but…sometimes just turning my head I feel as though I’ve lost a second while my heart paused. The only way I can explain it is that the same way I feel my HEART pausing, I feel my CONSCIOUSNESS pausing. And as infinitesimal as the pause is, I feel like I forget what I was JUST doing or thinking within that nano-second of time. Today I was in the bathroom about to get into the shower, and one of these episodes happened, and it only took as long as it took for me to turn my head. But it’s like a BLINK. A fucking GLITCH IN THE MATRIX. And when I got yanked back into myself, I forgot what I had just been thinking about.  I still knew I was in there to take a shower, it wasn’t THAT bad. But I had lost my train of thought about…something.

The pauses are minutely small, and they only seem to happen when I move, even a small movement. If I sit still, I still feel dizzy but I don’t lose Planck time. But still, as small as they are, they’re…frightening.

Of course, leaning over to do anything or pick up anything is a big no-no. I’ve just stopped THAT shit altogether. When I bring home bags of groceries and put them on the kitchen floor, I can’t lean over to take things out, because I get dizzy and feel as though I will fall into one. So I’ve just stopped. That job now belongs to the Tech Guru.

Today I felt dizzy and lay down for an hour.

I got up, and…STILL felt dizzy. I didn’t trust myself to drive so the Tech Guru had to get behind the wheel to take Punksin to swim practice. I went, which was probably a mistake, because the pool area is hot and humid and although that is normally right up my alley, I just felt like keeling over. It was all I could do not to lie down in the stands.

This is the same stuff that happened when Punksin was 6 months old and I remember being terrified that I would black out for an extended period of time while being home alone with her. I thought that was a temporary thing that passed, but I guess I should know better. We never figured out what it was, and that should have warned me that at some point, the shit would crop up again, only worse.

The OTHER thing that has been happening is that when night comes, I am DEATHLY COLD. The other night I had on winter pajamas, a robe, socks, gloves, and I threw another blanket on the bed. I couldn’t understand why the room was so goddamn cold. Then I looked at the thermostat and it was 73 degrees. There was no WAY I should have felt so cold, but my hands were like ice-blocks and I was SHIVERING. UNDER THE COVERS.

And this is every night now. I am writing this at 7:52 and I guarantee you that in another hour, although the house is toasty and it’s not even that cold outside, that I will feel positively ARCTIC.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Today the Tech Guru asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said no. I feel like ER is a total waste of time unless it is an actual emergency. They’ll be sending me hither and thither and over and yonder and I’ll come out of there still not knowing jackshit. No thanks. What I DO need to do, though, is get my ass back to the doctor before I drop dead or go into a coma or…I don’t even know what.

I’m just trying to wait until next week. After enough research to write a dissertation, I’m ready to do my car shopping this weekend and get the shit over with, hopefully, if these people will cooperate and not force me to walk out. Which, as I noted before, I am fully prepared to do. Especially if I feel like this. I am not sitting there dicking around with people and wasting time on ANY day, but especially not when I feel like this.

So if I can come home with a car, then next week I will get my butt to the doctor and…see what she says. I mean, even when she told me to come in, things weren’t this bad in terms of how I was FEELING. And I started taking iron supplements. So…something isn’t right.

Anyhow, maybe keeping this song in my head will remind me in an amusing way to get my shit together and get myself to the doctor. You’d think feeling like I’m minutes away from a heart attack or blacking out would be sufficient, but apparently, that’s not enough!

DUH.

Enjoy the video.

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