October 2nd, 2012
I have one word for you today: ugh.
Add to that: blah. And blech. And any other word that implies feeling like utter crap.
It’s not physical, although I think that’s coming. Punksin has been really sick for the past couple of days, fever, coughing, blowing her nose enough to go through a whole box of tissues. Apparently some twat in her class – you know, the class she was in for all of 5 minutes – coughed on her. And although Punksin got indignant and told her to cover her damn mouth, the damage had been done. And now that she’s coming OUT of it, it appears that I might be descending into the pit.
But…it’s not even that. That is annoying but…manageable.
It’s the emotional part that is feeling slowly but surely taken over by a black fog.
Didn’t I just say a couple of days ago that I felt wonderful and confident and okay with life?
Today, not so much.
This is the thing with depressives. We have our good days, and we cherish them and hopefully run with them, because we know that a day like today, when we feel lethargic and shitty and down and crappy – days like that are just around the corner, waiting to pounce on us without warning and drag us back into Bunyan’s Slough of Despond.
I just had to go and ask Pudding for a hug. And I hugged him fiercely and pulled him close because I didn’t want him to see the tears about to spill over, I didn’t want him to see Mommy feeling shitty and terrible, I just wanted him to hug me, to give me what I feel I need desperately right now: love, and affection, and hope.
The thing about being depressed is that…there are times when you can be in a houseful of people, or at a party, or amongst a huge group of friends, and yet, despite the people milling around you, laughing and talking and conversing, you can feel incredibly isolated.
I realize that for much of my life I have felt that way.
And I like being alone, when I feel GOOD. When I feel good, and am alone to bask in that peace, it is a wonderful thing.
But then there are times when I feel lonely. And that has nothing to do with who is around you. Right now, I am here in the house with my 2 fabulous kids and their wonderful energy and yet…I feel lonely.
Incredibly, desperately, lonely.
I can’t write anymore today.