The Hair Chronicles

I swear, the older I get, the looser I get.

My medium brown long hair, before the madness ensued.

I think I was fairly tightly wound as a kid. Not that I didn’t like to yuk it up and have a good time, but I was always following a prescribed ROLE.

And I don’t think that’s necessarily a TERRIBLE thing, because it kept me on the straight and narrow, and kept me from doing some things too early and some things altogether. You know, sex, drugs, all that shit. It did not fit in with the role my family cast me in.

Interesting thing, that role stuff. I read somewhere about the various roles we play in life and how once we fall into those patterns and people come to expect certain things of us, it can be difficult when you want to break out and become more authentic. And that’s normal. Relationships are based on some understanding of who the other person IS, and if they switch it up on you too dramatically, it’s like, who the hell is THAT?

But I feel as though I’ve been breaking out of other people’s expectations, somewhat. Not that all of who I was before was not ME. I like school, I like being studious, I like who I was. But…I also like whom I am becoming, and that’s not quite the same person. Everyone should be able to say that.

So, in keeping with the looming madness…

I started fucking around with my hair again.

Oooh. Black hair. Straightened courtesy of a flat iron.

You may remember last fall, when I decided to go goth, as Punksin put it, and dye my hair black.

I have to say, I can be quite pale in the winter, and I was wondering if it would make me look washed out, but it wasn’t too bad!

At some point, which, knowing my attention span, was probably about 5 minutes later, I decided I was done with black hair.

What I did NOT know, is that once you dye your hair black, it can be hell to get rid of.

You know, you’d think I would have figured that shit out. I mean, if you take a piece of black paper and try to put light brown crayon or some such on it…it’s not really going to work out, now is it?

Apparently, I failed Crayons 101. I was under the impression, an incredibly STUPID impression now that I think of it, that if I wanted to get my black hair to brown, I’d just COLOR RIGHT OVER THE BLACK.


I finally figured out how to remove color before depositing color, and voila I went back to brown.

Then earlier this summer I started doing wash and wear hair, leaving it curly.

Wash and wear hair that was back to dark brown.

Then I decided I needed to cut off several inches of hair.

Well, this past week I decided it was time to bring out the crayon box again.

I have been on this quest to get my hair to be the color of Pudding’s hair, which is a sort of sandy dark brown. It’s more ashy brown, but my hair has red in it and whenever I try to lighten it I get lots of red tones that I DON’T WANT.

So, as I learned LAST year, when you want to go that route, you need to BLEACH.

I was scared to bleach, to be honest. I’ve seen too many horror stories of hair falling out or turning permanent orange and I was worried. The one thing that gave me hope was that I am no longer relaxing my hair, and therefore it should be stronger.

At least, that was my hope.

So I bleached it last week.

It does turn orange, no doubt about it. But that was okay, or so I thought, because I would be putting color on TOP of it.

Did I mention my scalp turned as white as chalk?

THAT was interesting. Okay, it was more than interesting, it was downright SCARY. I am still wondering if some leached into my brain and made me cuckoo for cocoa puffs, but you and I both know that if it did, NO ONE’S GOING TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

Several inches lopped off over the summer. Still dark brown.

So after sitting with bleach in my hair for about AN HOUR, I rinsed it out, dried my now orange/yellow hair, and went to color it.

I tried a sandy dark blonde.

My hair was not even remotely interested in that shit.

I added a darker color I had in the house, which would be a light ash brown.

My hair scoffed at that too.

Meanwhile, it was now about 2:30, I needed to leave within 30 minutes to get the kids from school, and I had hair that resembled a pumpkin.

By then I was fairly desperate, and I saw a bottle of dark ash brown semi-permanent dye that I had lying around, and I dumped it all over my head. I figured it was going to take me RIGHT back down to dark brown, which was where I’d fucking STARTED, but it would still be better than going out of the house looking like Carrot Top.

With about 5 minutes left before I had to run out, I jumped in the shower and rinsed and came out to see…

The shade I had been aiming for.

Sandy hair, finally.

At first, I thought it was still too light, but the more I examined it, the more I saw that I liked it. It is maybe about one shade lighter than Pudding’s, but…I like it! I can work with this! So now, I just have to go get several more bottles of that stuff, because as a semi-permanent a little washes out every time I wash my hair and although I’m not a daily hair washer – my hair is too dry for that – I’ll be seeing orange ANY DAY NOW.

I wonder what will happen next.

Stay tuned, people. Stay tuned. I’m feeling the black coming back, and now that I know how to get rid of it when I’m tired of it…

All KINDS of things can happen!


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Posted in The Bod | 2 Comments »

2 Responses to “The Hair Chronicles”

  1. TwoNuse says:

    Since I have neither longer hair nor female reproductive parts, I have no reference to this. With saying that, why didn’t you go to a professional?

    • Leila says:

      What would be the fun in THAT? I mean, they’d get it right the FIRST time, and I’d be out $150.
      I like living on the edge.
      I also like keeping $150 for shit I absolutely CANNOT DO myself.