September 2nd, 2012
Okay, full disclosure here: the post in which I said that it was time to bid Lexapro adieu, I wrote that yesterday, but didn’t publish it until today. Meaning that last night was the first night in which I reduced my dosage of Lexapro.
Meaning that today was the first day of dealing with it.
Let’s just say…already, it ain’t been easy.
Last night, I felt…strong. I felt excited even, to be facing my future. I felt like those pictures you see with an old ship sailing out to sea, its captain standing at the bow, looking into the vast unknown of a sunny day, brimming with confidence and ready to face whatever comes.
That was last night.
Today the goddamn ship is sinking and the last I heard, the crew was yelling “ABANDON SHIP!!! I REPEAT, ABANDON SHIP!!!!”
I think the captain might be dead.
I’ve had a headache ALL DAY that has steadfastly refused to budge despite my downing as much as 4 Advil at a time. My appetite, which made a brief reappearance last night, was apparently only visiting, and has once again left the premises. The Tech Guru practically had to force a sandwich down my throat around 4:00 today, which was the first thing I’d eaten since breakfast besides a bag of lettuce, the only thing I felt remotely attracted to eating. “What are you, a rabbit?” he asked, amused and annoyed at the same time.
If I’m a rabbit, I’m a totally depressed fucking rabbit. Somebody, shoot me now. Please.
My sister…God, I’ve been leaning on her so much lately she’s probably about to goddamn keel over from holding me up. Thank God for her. There are times when you need another woman to talk to, someone who understands the way we look at things. Last night I told her I was feeling strong, calm, and peaceful.
Today I told her I was feeling like complete and utter shit.
This is what she wrote back to me and dammit, it made me want to cry:
“It will take some time Lei…yesterday you were strong because you received clarity. You have to try and continue to keep that head up and be strong…you’re only human and having a weak day is ok.”
Deciding on a course of action is one thing, but actually going down that path? Oh boy, that is a WHOLE OTHER THING ENTIRELY. I had the map laid out in front of me last night and thought I could navigate my way through it with no problem. It’s only day one and now I can tell that this is not going to be any easy road AT ALL. NOT AT ALL. And although what she said about having a weak day makes sense…I know that this weak day is only the first of many to come.
Many, many days.
Oh! Did I mention the sweats? THAT has been fun! And being weirdly irritated. I mean, really freaking WEIRD. Today I was doing online shopping at my neighborhood supermarket, because I was feeling way too funky to be dragging my ass through some store going up and down the aisles like a rat in a maze. So, in order for me to be able to pick up the order today, I had 24 minutes to get my order in. That was fine, I really only wanted the basics and whatever else I could throw in…but Jesus! The closer that 24 minutes came to ending, the more frantic I got. I was sitting on the couch with the computer on my lap, frantically searching through the sale circular, which I didn’t even NEED to be doing because I already HAD everything I really needed in the damn shopping cart, and I was just TOTALLY FUCKING LOSING IT. I felt hot, and frantic, and as though if I didn’t get through the entire circular before the 24 minutes was up I was going to be marched in front of a firing squad and executed. Then all of a sudden I was hit with this sudden urge to throw the computer across the room, do not ASK me what the hell that was all about. I managed to quell THAT urge and finally some reserve of sense deep down inside told me to just CHECK THE FUCK OUT ALREADY before the 24 minutes ran out, and I did, and then I put the computer down and was breathing all heavily as if I had just run a marathon.
Really? This is going to be my life for…however long it takes for me to get over this shit?
I took a nap. That was nice in that it was the only period of time in which I did not feel my head pounding. Now I’m awake and back to that old feeling of a few days ago: is there ANYTHING out there that will make me NUMB? So that I am not sweating and freaking out and losing my fucking mind? ANYTHING, people? Even if its illegal! I’ll consider it! Really! I’m not picky at this point.
Oh, let me NOT forget the strange odor all day that only I can smell. And the fact that I do shit that makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever. Like lunchtime: today Pudding asked me for 2 slices of bread with jelly. Mind you, Pudding is ONE CHILD. But for some reason, because he asked me for 2 pieces of BREAD, it made TOTAL FUCKING SENSE to me to put the shit on TWO PLATES. It was only as I was putting the jelly on that I looked at it and asked myself, “What the fuck are you DOING?”
You know, it has occurred to me that my timing on this…SUCKS ASS. Autumn is already an EXTREMELY tough time of year for me. Autumn ALONE is enough to get me depressed. So going through this now? Not good. Not good at all. Had I thought better of it, I would have chosen to embark upon this rocky path when the kids were in camp. Not only would it have been high summer, which would have helped immensely, but I wouldn’t have had to put on a brave face for Punksin and Pudding, and I could have sat here and gone through the crying and shaking and sweating and madness and depression and whatever else crackhead bullshit is coming without having to hide it. Because having to hide it only makes it worse.
But here I stand now, with fall coming, the kids at home, and a road ahead that, from where I stand, already looks loaded with landmines.
Poor Denise. By the time I’m done with her she’s going to need crutches. But… at some point on this road, I will be standing alone, with nothing but a thin and battered coat of armor to shield me while I face howling winds, driving rains, and dark shadowy nights. And my armor has lots of chinks in it because it is already weak. The rain will seep in. The wind will chill the armor and with it, my soul. And the night…there is no armor can save you from the night, when the perils that you can handle by day become vast holes of despair just waiting for you to fall in. And I will fall, I know I will fall, and…I don’t know who is going to pull me out. I will have to climb out on my own and there will be days when I just won’t fucking be able to DO that and I’ll have to sit there in the hole until I muster up enough strength to try again.
There is no one who can walk this path with me. And I don’t want to walk on it, I really really don’t…but…I have no choice anymore.
And so…my journey has begun.