September 18th, 2012
Maybe it’s the weather today – it’s raining cats and dogs over here – but I am in what could be called a FOUL MOOD today.
Not a depressed mood, just really intolerant of people and their bullshit.
You know, and yes, I am about to get up on my soapbox here, I try really hard to listen to people. I rant and I rave and I can appear judgmental about shit, I know, but I am prepared to accept that not everyone is perfect and that we all make mistakes, myself chief among them .
What I find absolutely dumbfounding, though, is that people keep doing the SAME shit over and over and over. And then wondering WHY they don’t get different results.
I’ve said this before: if you find yourself saying, in any way shape or form, that “this always happens to me,” IT’S NOT THE WORLD. IT’S NOT BAD LUCK. IT’S NOT A FUCKING CONSPIRACY. GODDAMIT, it’s YOU. STAND up and OWN YOUR SHIT, and then for God’s sake, either FIX it, CHANGE it, or SHUT THE FUCK UP.
I don’t get it!
Everyone wants to pass the buck: This ALWAYS happens to me. I’m ALWAYS misunderstood. I’m ALWAYS having bad luck. I NEVER meet the right person. NO ONE understands me. Somehow, they are lying there helpless, while things just continually…HAPPEN to them. For YEARS and YEARS and YEARS.
SHUT THE FUCK UP already!!! How about: I ALWAYS make the wrong choices. I ALWAYS allow people to treat me like a doormat. I NEVER go after what I really want. I NEVER handle my money properly. I NEVER communicate properly. I ALWAYS blame other people for my bullshit. I ALWAYS get into shady situations that don’t work out. How about THAT shit?
But NOOOOOO. No one wants to even allow themselves to think those things, because to do so would mean accepting that THEY are the ones who need to do some changing, that they are actually at least partially RESPONSIBLE for the things they are unhappy with.
I don’t get that. You can ONLY change yourself. You can’t change anyone else! So wouldn’t you WANT to think, hey, these fucking problems that I keep having, are a result of MY shortcomings, which I can WORK on and CHANGE, and then this shit that I keep COMPLAINING about, might actually STOP HAPPENING. Because if it actually IS someone else’s fault, or the world at large, or FATE, or God’s MASTER PLAN, then there isn’t shit I can do about it. But ME, I can do something about, so it’s actually GOOD to know that I DO have SOME control over the shit that keeps happening to me.
But to so so so many people, it’s way more convenient to blame the world. The world is at fault. It’s not me, oh no. It’s the 7.04 BILLION OTHER fucking people who are somehow at fault for MY BULLSHIT. Taking responsibility would be BAD because then, I’d actually have to do something DIFFERENT, and I don’t really WANT to do anything different. I want to keep doing the same lazy/stupid/irresponsible shit I’ve BEEN doing, and wait for something miraculously NEW AND GLORIOUS to occur.
That shit is not going to happen, and if you are in your 20s or even early 30s, then I might give you a pass. But those of us in our late 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s…come on already. You’ve had enough time to look back on your life and see patterns of behavior. You’ve had enough time to figure out at least SOME of what works and what doesn’t work. You’ve had enough time to see where the problem areas in your life are. OWN it, and FIX it. Take responsibility for yourself.
Look, I am not perfect. If you’ve read anything on this blog, you know that. I have never claimed to be perfect. I am depressed. I am impulsive. I love hard, I get angry hard, I don’t do anything by halvsies and sometimes that’s a BAD FUCKING THING. I have dreams that I have been scared to pursue, but I don’t sit here saying the world is at fault for my not achieving them yet. I know exactly where the fault lies and what I need to do to get there. I understand the mistakes I have made in the past and how they have affected where I am now. I don’t sit there wallowing in that shit and saying that because of what happened half a lifetime ago, I am FUCKED. My parents are both psychos and I was pissed at them forever and then I STOPPED, because I realized that that was getting me NOWHERE, that they too are human and just did shit in their own fucked up ways and for right or wrong what’s done is done and I can only work on ME. I can’t change my parents. I can’t change anyone out there. I can only work on ME.
And I do. I own my mistakes. I try to figure out what I could learn from those mistakes, and how I can move forward from where I am now to where I want to be. And I know that it’s not enough to just know inside what I did wrong, but that I have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT going forward, because if I KNOW what I did wrong and then persist in DOING THE SAME FUCKING THING, there is going to be NOTHING different about the results I get, at which point I would really have to be a FUCKING IDIOT because I KNEW what was wrong and STILL didn’t fix it.
Look, people, here’s what I have to say to you today. Whatever is going wrong in your life, figure out where you fit into the equation. Because I can pretty much guarantee that you ARE in the equation. I know you don’t want to hear that, you want to keep thinking that you are just the unwitting victim. NO. You got hit by a car that ran up on the sidewalk or something completely out of the ordinary, then PERHAPS you are. You have bone marrow cancer, then no way am I saying that is your fault. But that is not the stuff people are usually complaining about. It’s JOB shit, or RELATIONSHIP shit, or MONEY shit. Why can’t I find someone perfect for me. Why am I always misunderstood. Why am I always passed over for promotions. Why do I never have money to pay my fucking rent and bills.
You can’t find the right love because you are looking in the wrong places, or because what you say you want is not what you are actually going after, or because you don’t act in ways that would attract what you want. You are misunderstood, not because the rest of the world needs a fucking interpreter to understand your ONE-PERSON LANGUAGE, but because something about the way YOU are communicating is not getting your points clearly across. Maybe you don’t communicate at all and then expect people to be psychic. Whatever it is, it is SQUARELY on YOUR SHOULDERS and you need to WORK on it. Why are you passed over for promotions? Maybe there is a racist person, if you are someone of color, or a misogynist, or some other asshole who doesn’t like YOU for a reason. MAYBE. But what are YOU contributing to people’s perceptions of you? Are you always arguing about shit? Are you a team player? Are you always last to arrive and first one out the door? If you don’t give a fuck, that’s fine, but OWN THAT SHIT and understand that that will affect you. Why don’t you ever have enough money? Well, what do you take care of first, your wants or your needs? Do you save ANYTHING? Do you spend money on unnecessary things only to be broke when the bills come? I know people that always claim they are broke and yet somehow every time I turn around they’re on a fucking plane going somewhere. If you can find the money for the shit you WANT but are only broke when your bills come in, you have FUCKED up priorities and that’s why you have no money. OWN THAT SHIT. No one is saying you need to deny yourself for the rest of your life, but take a few months off from the splurgefest, take that money that you mistakenly thought was EXTRA, and pay your fucking bills.
And do it NOW. Don’t wait for New Year’s and make some useless resolution that will be a distant memory by January 31st. Do it TODAY. Today, just do ONE THING differently. ONE THING. ONE. Doesn’t have to be major! But look at the problem areas in your life and do ONE thing, differently. Pay a bill instead of buying that purse. Reach out to someone and SPEAK to them instead of simmering in silence waiting to be understood and appreciated. Slap a smile on at your job even when someone is pissing you off. Think about your relationship and whether or not it’s what you really want, and if you are just settling, well fuck, stop settling! Make a list of what you really want in a partner, and then look at yourself and ask honestly if you think that, as you are NOW, that that type of person would be attracted to YOU. If not, why? And then fix those things and be the person you say you want to attract.
Lest you think it is easy for me to talk with my oh-so-perfect life, let me assure you that life is NOT perfect. I still have faults and I’m pretty sure I’ll die with some of them still under my belt.
But, I am not dealing with the same shit I was dealing with 20 or even 10 years ago. I had money issues, and I had to seriously think about the way in which I handled money and realize that I had been taught poor habits and that it was up to me to change those things. I had relationship issues, and I realized that I needed to stop settling for bullshit and that people will only do to you what you allow them to do. Frankly, I came to a point where I decided that I was okay being by myself and that I was not going to be with someone just for the sake of having a warm body to cuddle up to. For that, I can get a fucking cat. And I did. I got TWO. And after pushing away the nonsense and leaving my path clear, I met my husband. And he was not a bad boy or someone who left me wondering how he felt, because if he HAD been, I would have been long gone, because I had decided I didn’t need OR want the guy who wanted to be a player or who wanted to keep me on a roller coaster journey of drama followed by make-up sex. What he was, was stable, caring, confident, secure, communicative, protective, ambitious, and pro-fucking-ACTIVE. That was what I wanted, and that was what I waited for.
What you want out of life is out there waiting for YOU, but you have to do the work. What you SAY you want, has to line up with your actions and your processes and what you actually pursue. If you want someone to love you and take care of you and respect and honor you and be a wonderful partner for life, but you keep going out with drama queens and bad boys and unstable people, you are not going to find what you want. You cannot walk into a Chevy dealer and buy a brand-new BMW. If you want to have extra money in the future, you may need to give up some unnecessary things and live a little more frugally to get to that point. If you want people to understand you, you have to communicate, and do it CLEARLY. As I have told an acquaintance of mine several times, people judge you on what you DO and SAY, not on what you WANTED to do and say. No one KNOWS that crap; what’s inside your head and heart is anyone’s fucking guess. You can’t keep saying one thing and then behaving in ways that are totally inconsistent with that. Be CLEAR, and be CONSISTENT. Communication is important, and it happens in a variety of ways: what you SAY, what you DO. ALL of that communicates. If your words and actions don’t support what is going on in your head and your heart, that is YOUR FAULT. FIX IT, and stop complaining about being misunderstood. No one misunderstands you. You misunderstand yourself. Either who you THINK you are is not really who you are and the person you are putting OUT there is more authentic than you person you CLAIM to be, OR, deep down inside you WISH you were that person but right now, you’re not BEING that person. FIX IT. FUCKING FIX IT, or shut the fuck up.
That’s my rant for the day. What about me, you ask? Yes, I always have shit to work on and I always have changes to make and I am constantly examining my life to see if the path I am on is going to take me to where I want to be. I stumble, I fall, I make mistakes. I’m human. I slack off. I falter. I get sidetracked. All of that happens. But I do try to make sure I don’t wander so far off as to get entirely lost. Eventually, at SOME point, I pull out my compass, and if I see that where I am heading is taking me AWAY from what I want, I know I need to change directions, that SOMETHING about what I am doing is not right. And I try to find my way back to the authentic ME and to the goals I say I have.
Whoever you want to be, envision that person and then think about what it will take to get there. What will it take from YOU to get where you want to be? What changes can you make? What have you been doing for years and years that is NOT WORKING? What can you STOP doing, and what can you START doing?
Do the work. And if you are not going to do the work, but you prefer to sit there and wait for change to magically appear, then all I can tell you is, it WON’T happen that way, and you will continue to get older while having the same problems, the same unachievable dreams, the same loneliness, the same assholes, the same issues. And in that case, all I can tell you is what I’ve said all along: if you won’t change what you’re doing…
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
- Football Is The Hardest Sport To Explain To Children And Stupid People (deadspin.com)
- 5 reasons to stop giving a fuck and just be yourself. (functionalinsanity.wordpress.com)