September 1st, 2012
That would describe my appetite right about now: it’s in negative numbers. Not only do I not want to eat, but I feel like I want to throw up.
Except it’s hard to throw up when you haven’t eaten.
I managed to cook this morning, though: pancakes (I make mine from SCRATCH, thank you) and sausages (hurl) and tea. And the tea is the only part of this equation that I am remotely interested in. I will force myself to consume 1 pancake, and 1 sausage, and then I’m done, possibly until dinner.
Fuck. I have to figure out dinner.
This morning I woke up at 4:51 and could not get back to sleep. I checked my text messages because last night my OTHER sister was in the ER with bad stomach pains and all other kinds of weird shit going on. She’d sent me a text around 1:00 saying she was finally headed home, but she didn’t tell me if they figured out what the hell was wrong. I hope they did. The worst thing is having something wrong with you and NOT knowing what the hell it is.
Then…I couldn’t get back to sleep for a bit. I just lay there tossing and turning, and if you’ve ever done that you know how annoying that is. You get more pissed at not being able to sleep, and then that wakes you up more, and then you’re MORE pissed. I know you’re supposed to get up and DO something when that happens, but I really didn’t want to get up, considering that I’d gone to bed less than 4 hours before. I wanted to sleep. Sleep blessed sleep.
Eventually…I slept. And had some weird ass dream that I can’t make any sense of and am willing to let go of, since I think it was less about messages from the Universe and more about incorporating weird shit I saw on TV and in FB into my subconscious.
My stomach feels like some of my crochet yarn (yes, I crochet, didn’t I tell you?): tied up in knots. Its like I can visualize my intestines knotted up somewhere. Maybe I should do some visualization and imagine them UNtying. I did pray and meditate a teensy bit yesterday, and it helped.
I need to get back into that. When I walked away from my meditation yesterday, I felt…peaceful. It didn’t last very long, but it was there. So I need to do more, because the only thing I want to be in negative numbers is my stress level.
It’s times like this that I realize that I am still a work in progress – still growing, still learning, about myself AND other people. Still being fine-tuned. Still discarding bits of crap, still adding what I hope is polish. That’s a good thing, but the process of carving myself out of the goddamn stone sure is painful. But even Michelangelo’s David was once just a huge hunk of cold marble.
I’m carving and stripping away the unnecessary bits and pieces…
Last night I asked the Tech Guru to just…bear with me a little while.
He said that no matter what, he would always be there.
I hope you will too.