Here Kitty Kitty Kitty

The downstairs bathroom smells like cat pee.

Under any circumstances this would be considered unacceptable behavior from a bathroom, but in this instance it’s all the more amazing because of the fact that we don’t HAVE A FUCKING CAT.

I cannot for the life of me understand where this odd odor is coming from.

As soon as I get to the threshold of the bathroom, I am assaulted by a faint but sharp scent of…cat pee?

At first I wondered if it was towels, but I change our towels frequently.

Then I thought that maybe it was air circulating through the house bringing guinea pig smell into the bathroom. But then, wouldn’t I smell this EVERYWHERE? And this doesn’t even smell like the guinea pigs. One HUGE point in favor of the guinea pigs is that their pee is virtually odorless.

I even went so far as to take out the toilet brush AND the plunger and sort of wave them around in front of my nose. The toilet brush smells like disinfectant, yay, and the plunger smells like rubber, double yay.

So what the fuck is this smell?

a cat and a Litter box

Really, it would be better if we DID have a cat because then at least I would know what the hell is going on.

It just occurred to me that the smell hits me right as I am entering the bathroom, and the bathroom is under the attic. It also vents into the attic.

Maybe something is dead up there? Or peeing?

We have had attic visitors before. There have been mice and once there was a particularly athletic squirrel that seemed to be playing soccer up and down the attic floor. Needless to say it was a night game and I was EXTREMELY ANNOYED.

I don’t HEAR anything up there, haven’t in ages, which is where the maybe-something-died theory comes in, but…it doesn’t smell dead. (I’ve smelled dead before, at least dead mice.) This smells…

Well, I’ve pinpointed it as finely as I can.

Like cat pee.

Now, our neighbor down the hill keeps various cats. I’m not sure what the deal is with her and cats but let’s just say that she’s single, odd and has a cat thing going on. She has squarely aligned herself with the Old Lady with Cats camp, although she’s not really that old yet. And I do know that she lets her cats wander around and of course, they don’t stay on their spot of land, oh no, they go all over the place. I’ve seen them waltzing along the rail of our deck and tiptoeing through the ivy in our yard. I don’t care NOW, but this was a point of contention with us when we first moved in here because we had DOGS, and she was worried that our DOGS would maul her CATS, to which I replied that if her CATS came on my fucking property then they were fair game as far as I was concerned.

This response did not endear me to her, but as you know, I am not in the Endearing Myself to People business. I could not give less of a shit. (She’d pulled some other shit when we first moved in that had me incensed and brought out my Inner Bitch, but THAT, my dear readers, is a WHOLE OTHER STORY.)

In any case, I did wonder for a minute if one of her cats could be up there marauding but again, no sounds.

I don’t know what this smell is, I can’t find the source, and it is driving me batshit, because every time I go near the bathroom it hits me afresh, and yet, it’s MY house, which makes me think that I’ve probably gotten somewhat accustomed to it, which makes me think that it probably smells even worse than I THINK it does.

The Tech Guru went to Home Depot and got new air filters for the house and installed them, because we were overdue and I thought that maybe stale air had accumulated? I know, I’m grasping at straws here. I added air freshener.

I still smell that cat pee.

WTF?

Now I’m beginning to wonder if it’s my nose. Maybe my sinuses are so fucked up that they’re infected and I’m smelling my own sinuses? But do infected sinuses smell like cat pee? And if so, that still doesn’t account for why I only smell this in one part of the house. It is driving me crazy. I feel like I have put my nose to every goddamn surface in there. And although I’ve said a million times that I want to red0 the bathroom myself, the idea that there might be something dead and putrefying in the walls is definitely a deal killer for me. I will do the work, but I cannot deal with dead animals.

I don’t know. The Tech Guru says he can’t smell it. He can’t smell the weird smell in the bathroom but he smells the guinea pig cage even when it’s JUST BEEN CLEANED.

Clearly, his nose is not to be trusted.

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