September 5th, 2012
Is it Day 3? Or was yesterday Day 3?
I can’t even frigging keep up. You’d think, given the carefulness with which one has to wean off of this crap, that I’d be taking better records of the days…
Well, yesterday was…ok.
For most of the day I felt fairly normal, but towards nighttime I did start to experience mild tremors. And several times during the day my hand made some involuntary jerking movements, one of which caused me to drop my cellphone and another of which caused me to practically fling a pencil across the room. I swear, if I didn’t know the goddamn withdrawal could do this, I’d think I had Parkinson’s.
The kids and I are slowly getting back into longer days of work with the homeschooling. I prefer for them not to take extended breaks from learning, so throughout the summer we had lessons here and there just to keep them on their toes, but now we need to pick up the pace, a declaration which they both meet with frowny faces. To which I reply that if they don’t like it they can just go to the shitty public school down the street.
Amazing how quickly those frowns turn upside-down!
I do want them back in school eventually though. I think school is awesome, if the school IS awesome. And I’d love it if they could attend my high school which was only the BEST HIGH SCHOOL ON THE PLANET, THANK YOU. A free public school for gifted children. I LOVED it. The only way I would get something of similar caliber out here in Jersey would be to send them to private school and although I’m open to that idea, I’d love them to get a bit more of the diversity, in race, income bracket, ethnic background, etc., that my NYC public high school had, not to mention I wouldn’t mind saving the, oh, about $80,000 PER KID that it would cost to send them through 4 years of private high school. I’ve got about 6 years to
use a relative’s NYC address move back to NY to get Punksin in.
But anyhow, the withdrawal is going…okay. I definitely notice some differences: a little more agitated, a little more perspiration…but I expect this so when I notice it actually happening, whether it’s emotional or physical, I remind myself of why its happening, try to calm myself down, and just ride the wave out. Although I DO have to admit that last night I found myself getting so fidgety and nervous that I took a Klonopin…with a glass of Riesling.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. I’m NOT SUPPOSED to DO that. I KNOW.
But I did.
I always try to tell someone when I do these alcohol/drug combinations. That way, if I wake up dead, there’s someone who can tell the coroner exactly what I put into my system, which will also help to clear the Tech Guru of any suspicion. You know they always look at the husband first. Also, I want them to know that I am NOT suicidal (currently) and that if I croak, the Tech Guru should get whatever insurance money there is to get.
No, I’m not being glib about suicide. I’m being practical about death no matter how it comes. I am a very practical person when it comes to death. It’s going to happen anyhow, some day, some how, and I figure the better prepared you are ahead of time, the less bullshit your heirs and survivors have to deal with while you float along on a cloud somewhere strumming on a fucking harp.
I would like to make it long enough to see the kids grow up. I don’t want another woman raising my children. I’ll haunt that bitch.
And not for nothing, I do have some things I’d like to do myself. A lot of things actually. And that’s a GOOD thing, to have a to-do list on which slitting my wrists does not actually appear. So when I take these pills + alcohol, I’m not TRYING to do anything, honest. I’m just being…stupid and reckless. And, admittedly, rather presumptuous. Because I really don’t think anything will happen.
But no one ever does, huh…until it does.
I know this really isn’t fair to the kids, because it WOULD suck for me to exit stage left by accident just because of being an idiot.
Sigh. I guess I really should stop that shit, huh…