September 3rd, 2012
Well, here we are on the morning of Day 2.
The good news is that I woke up without a headache, which is a huge surprise because the BAD news is that I slept like total and complete shit.
Can you explain to me how it is that I can take TWO ibuprofen PM – the PM part being the part that makes you get sleepy – AND a sleeping pill…and STILL NOT FUCKING SLEEP?
Explain this to me, people. Please. Explain it to me. Because I can explain to YOU, that this kind of shit is exactly why people end up saying fuck it and killing themselves. Because they can’t find any goddamn escape from what they are feeling or going through, not in a bottle, not in pills, not in sleep, not anywhere.
I took the pills around 9 and soldiered through the night NOT FEELING SLEEPY. I finally poured my ass into the bed at 2 AM. Had trouble getting to sleep so I read for a little bit. Finally put the book down around 2:30 or so, not because I felt remotely sleepy, but because I figured I needed to at least TRY to go to sleep.
Then around 4:00, I heard lots of sniffling and snuffling. I tried to ignore it figuring the sniffler was just turning over in the night or something, but after about half an hour of this, Pudding finally announced to me that he could not sleep because his nose was stuffed up.
In my bid to win the Mother of the Year award, I told him to lie back down and just breathe through his mouth.
God bless him, he tried. But that didn’t work out so well and he told me he wanted to blow his nose. He still refuses to hold the tissue while he blows his nose, because God forbid the snot gets on HIS hands, so I had to go get the tissue and hold it while he pretty much just blew out air.
He lay back down. I lay back down.
He popped back up and announced that he wanted to blow his nose again.
We went through that ritual again.
He lay back down.
I lay back down.
More sniffling and snuffling.
He popped back up. “I can’t sleep,” he announced.
“No shit,” I wanted to say, not because I was in any way mad at HIM but just because it seemed so obvious. However, I held my tongue.
“I’ll be back,” I told him.
I went downstairs to the kitchen, found a childrens’ nasal decongestant, and poured out the proper dosage into a medicine cup. Then it occurred to me that I wanted to eat some carrots. So I did. Then I went back upstairs and spent a good 5 minutes coaxing Pudding into taking the medicine. Just when I was about to force-feed him, he relented and drank it. He lay back down. Then he pointed out to me that the sun was coming up and he didn’t feel sleepy. I told him
that if he knew what was good for him he’d go the fuck to sleep that he needed to try to get some rest.
For about an hour.
Then he woke up and woke ME up to ask me if he could play on my iPhone.
Every morning he asks me this, and every morning I say no, because I want him to learn how to entertain himself through non-electronic means.
This morning, I didn’t give a shit. I gave him the iPhone and some headphones and slept for, oh, about another 2 1/2 hours or so?
And here we are at almost noon on Day 2.
I don’t have a headache, and so far no sweats and panic and all that other stuff. I decided, after considering it more, that rather than dialing down the Lexapro and dialing up the Wellbutrin together, that I would do one thing at a time. That way at least I would know what was causing any of the stuff I’m going through. Since the Wellbutrin is notable for its tendency to make one sweat and feel fidgety, I don’t think dialing that up at the same time as going off the Lexapro would be a good idea. Either one can make me go into crackhead mode. Doing them at the same time seems like a recipe that ends with me jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge.
So I’m hoping that going back to the Wellbutrin only once a day is why today I don’t feel so…agitated. And if I can soldier on with a lower dosage of Wellbutrin, well, that’ll be freaking fabulous.
I should point out that I am not going through this weaning off program under a doctor’s supervision, and I say this to point out that
I am incredibly reckless and don’t give a shit anymore that’s not always the way to go. In most cases, it’s pretty advisable to at least let your doctor know what you’re doing so that when you end up dead feel oh so much better, they’ll know why.
For my part, I did extensive research online to see how other people had managed to come off Lexapro. I also kept in mind what my previous doctor had said about how she would wean me off. So, armed with that information, I started this program on my own. It’s not that I don’t trust my doctor as much as it is that I just had had enough, and I trust myself enough to get through this with some bit of sense, although as I mentioned previously, for a whole BUNCH of reasons, the timing could not be ANY FUCKING WORSE for me to be doing this right now.
But, here I am, back on the road, alone…and trudging along.
It’s now 8:30 p.m. and today has gone considerably better than yesterday. I think going back down to once-a-day on the Wellbutrin helped me to feel less like a fugitive from the law; that sweating, shaking, looking shady thing was just SO not a good look for me. Also, no headache, thank GOD!! Headaches render me absolutely immobile and unable to move. Today, I was able to function. I talked to my sister for an hour and a half, I did my hair, I took the Tech Guru and the kids out to lunch…all in all, a damn good day…and I still have lots of energy, despite having such a shitty night of sleep! Let’s cross our fingers, shall we?
- Time To Say Goodbye (drinkleidownpassout.com)
- Rough Seas Ahead (drinkleidownpassout.com)
- Study: Popular Sleeping Pill Ambien Linked to Increased Death Rate (usnews.com)