August 15th, 2012
I can’t believe summer is almost over.
I SWEAR it was like, 2 DAYS ago, that I was standing outside with Punksin and her good friend from swimming, talking about camps and the tree that fell in front of our house and what do you MEAN it’s almost over?
I’m not ready for it to be over.
I’m never ready for it to be over.
Part of how I am dealing with it is by making plans for NEXT summer already. I figure if I just put blinders on and look dead ahead to next summer, it will somehow get me through cooler days, cooler nights, wearing warmer clothes, holidays, my birthday, the Tech Guru’s birthday, Punksin’s birthday and OH MY GOD WHY IS SUMMER ENDING???
Unfortunately, the Klonopin does not really help with this. My doctor prescribed one of those UV lamps or whatever the hell they are, the ones that are supposed to simulate sunlight, but I haven’t gotten one and I confess to being a tad confused: aren’t we supposed to be staying AWAY from the UV rays? Am I supposed to use sunscreen if I buy one? And of course I’m skeptical about whether or not it even works, but I am willing to try anything.
The other thing I’m hating, something I’ve been discussing with a girlfriend of mine recently: the leveling off of the crazy meds. WTF? I take Lexapro for a while. In the beginning, I feel fabulous. Then I start to feel good. Then it goes down to life is tolerable. Now it’s at, if I try to STOP taking this shit I go through withdrawal and I’m scared of that crap so… I just keep taking it. It’s like I’m being held hostage or some shit. Precisely what the drug companies want.
Same with the Wellbutrin. Started off on cloud friggin 9. Now it’s at…okay, big whoop, I’m not feeling like tiptoeing through the tulips, but at least I don’t want to stab anyone.
I mean, really, the only difference between this stuff and crack, heroine or cocaine, is that my insurance is covering it. Otherwise it feels pretty similar to that other stuff – at least that’s what I THINK, because I must confess, am GLAD to confess, that I’ve never touched ANY of those drugs. But I look at my life and I’m realizing the drugs are working, but not as well as they used to, and I’m thinking do I need something different or a stronger dosage and all of a sudden it’s WHOA I’M TRYING TO SCORE A GOOD HIGH AND IT’S TAKING MORE AND MORE SHIT TO DO IT.
My girlfriend suggests changing drugs frequently. I’m scared of that approach because what if something doesn’t work and I go through a crazy period? I mean, I’m OKAY for now. It’s not like I’m…suicidal or anything. I just feel…blech. Little energy, little motivation, except a strong desire to run away to India and meditate for a month or live for a month in a cabin by a lake and write and sleep or something else that entails a month of me tending to ME for a change.
But we ALL know none of that is going to happen, no ashram, no cabin in the woods. So I have to figure something else out. The Tech Guru had suggested a mother’s helper one day a week. I pshaw’ed that idea originally but after tossing it around with my girldfriend I realize, it’s something. And something is better than nothing. So…maybe.
Well, that’s all I got for tonight folks. I hope you enjoyed this moment of, shall we say, restrained insanity here at station W-A-C-K, and be sure to tune in tomorrow, because around here, every day is a new opportunity for madness and mayhem!