August 23rd, 2012
I have way too much nail polish. As with most things, I don’t just get a few. I get…LOTS. I swear, I have over 100. At least.
Yesterday, I painted my nails blood red.
Not the bright crisp, cheerful, almost blinding red that I usually prefer, the one that I associate with my mother’s well-manicured nails. But a deeper, darker red, the red you often see associated with death and mystery and vampires and…blood.
This red perfectly captures my feeling, because I feel…
As though I am bleeding out. I feel as though blood is seeping out through my pores when my sweat, as though when I cry – and I cry often – that, like the vampires on True Blood, my tear ducts are issuing forth not pure salt water…
Blood is a life force. From the time we are in the womb, tiny veins and arteries weave together to carry life-supporting nutrients through the growing fetus’ body. We need blood. And when we are shot or hurt or mauled, it is not only the force of the death blow that hurts us, but the outpouring of blood seeping away from us, carrying with it…our lives.
I feel as though I am bleeding out.
Every day. Just a little bit more.
My heart bleeds. My soul bleeds. My spirit bleeds, not blood, of course, but that ethereal life force that gives it strength and courage and sense of purpose.
My nails are blood red and I wish…
I wish I could cry tears of blood too, like a miraculous Mary crying over her son.
My nails are blood red.
They remind me that I am bleeding. They are a visual reminder of what goes on inside of me. The blood seeping out of me is not…visible. But it is no less painful. It is no less important to my life force.
And I cannot find the tourniquet to stop the bleeding.
So I bleed. And I paint my nails blood red so that I can SEE what is happening, so that instead of just FEELING the pain, I can SEE it, I can look at my fingers and SEE THE BLOOD, so that when I lift my hands to wipe away the tears I SEE the blood.
I am bleeding.
I am bleeding.
And my nails…
Are blood red.
- Sink Your Teeth Into HSN’s New True Blood Beauty Line (bellasugar.com)
- Sometimes, the Bleeding of the Soul… (diaryofanalienincarnate.wordpress.com)
- What Your Nail Polish Says About You (theblush.com)
- Deborah Lippmann’s True Blood Inspired Nail Polish Collection (theblush.com)