Blood Red

I have way too much nail polish. As with most things, I don’t just get a few. I get…LOTS. I swear, I have over 100. At least.

Yesterday, I painted my nails blood red.

Not the bright crisp, cheerful, almost blinding red that I usually prefer, the one that I associate with my mother’s well-manicured nails. But a deeper, darker red, the red you often see associated with death and mystery and vampires and…blood.

This red perfectly captures my feeling, because I feel…

As though I am bleeding out. I feel as though blood is seeping out through my pores when my sweat, as though when I cry – and I cry often – that, like the vampires on True Blood, my tear ducts are issuing forth not pure salt water…

But blood.

Blood is a life force. From the time we are in the womb, tiny veins and arteries weave together to carry life-supporting nutrients through the growing fetus’ body. We need blood. And when we are shot or hurt or mauled, it is not only the force of the death blow that hurts us, but the outpouring of blood seeping away from us, carrying with it…our lives.

I feel as though I am bleeding out.

Every day. Just a little bit more.

Bleeding out.

My heart bleeds. My soul bleeds. My spirit bleeds, not blood, of course, but that ethereal life force that gives it strength and courage and sense of purpose.

My nails are blood red and I wish…

I wish I could cry tears of blood too, like a miraculous Mary crying over her son.

My nails are blood red.

English: nail polish Polski: lakier do paznokci

They remind me that I am bleeding. They are a visual reminder of what goes on inside of me. The blood seeping out of me is not…visible. But it is no less painful. It is no less important to my life force.

And I cannot find the tourniquet to stop the bleeding.

So I bleed. And I paint my nails blood red so that I can SEE what is happening, so that instead of just FEELING the pain, I can SEE it, I can look at my fingers and SEE THE BLOOD, so that when I lift my hands to wipe away the tears I SEE the blood.

I am bleeding.

I am bleeding.

And my nails…

Are blood red.

 

 

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in The Bod, The Spirit | 5 Comments »

5 Responses to “Blood Red”

  1. City Girl says:

    I read this story in my email and I thought long and hard about how I wanted to respond. Take the blood red polish off your fingernails tonight and paint them something fitting for a queen or KEEP THEM BARE NAKED. You don’t want to wallow in misery you want to get better and one of the steps to that is to think in a more positive and optimistic frame of mind. Painting your nails red is not only a reminder to yourself but it is a way to hoard your painful thoughts when you are around others. If you think pain you will feel pain, if you think hurt, you will always hurt. Your thoughts turn into action!!

    Comeon, You have to get it together for your own sake, you hubs sake and your kids sake. You need to continue to take your meds, you need to exercise to relieve stress, you need to stop eating that junk food like your son advised you (LOL) and eat healthy and lastly you need to get a hobby and start thinking about something that has nothing to do with anything but that THING you are working on and you will eventually see positive results. Put your heart and soul into something you create with your hands. (Now you know the reason behind my remodel…its an ongoing process). You also need to treat yourself to something nice every-once-in-a-while that no one will appreciate but you,,,that’s why you brought it for yourself even if its nothing more that a really nice bra ( Every time I needed to feel better I splurged on a new double padded bra. Those jokers are not cheap either but going from a B cup to a D cup was my crack… and right now I been wearing these things so long I tend to forget I really am a member of the ity bity titty comittee. LOLOLOL).

    I can give this advice because I been where you are. I am not so sure I am completely healed but I am much better and I am working on it and the last thing I will do at this point is wallow in my sorrows. I don’t want to hurt! I had a journal and I wanted to write something positive that happened to me everyday. At first that was the hardest thing to do and I skipped many days because I just couldn’t recognize anything good about my day, they were just blurs, I went to work in a fog,managed to do my job and do it well, came home, took a shower and went to bed and cried myself to sleep for months. Then I was dealing with a jerk boyfriend who complicated my life even more even though I really only wanted him as a maintenance man…it was a long distance relationship and I allowed his BS in my life and it made me worse…almost like I felt like I did not deserve anything good to happen to me and I stayed in situations to reinforce that. There was nothing positive about that. Not a darn thing that I could think of anyway, thats why so many pages were empty the first year and when I had no positive thought I skipped the page and left it blank. That was so I could monitor how many blank days I had.Everyday I tried to think of something until eventually I could see positive things even if some days was only one thing,,,”today it rained and when I looked in my bag I found my umbrella. I was prepared and did not get my hair wet. whooo whoo” Positive. Instead of “today it rained and I even though I had an umbrella…I hate walking in the rain, I need a chauffeur and why can’t my job let me work from home anyway? Control freaks. ” See the difference? I don’t think so much doom and gloom ALL the time…even though last night I had a major setback. The bottom line is that I want to live a happy and productive life, I want to see my grand kids grow up and I want to be well even if I have to heal myself.. AND I WANT YOU WELL TOO MY CYBER FRIEND. You feeling what I am saying?

    • Leila says:

      Hey City Girl,
      You’re absolutely right. For me, painting my nails red IS a form of therapy. It’s a way of acknowledging how I feel visually instead of just letting it sit inside and fester, which for me, as for most people, is far worse, because then it just grows because it’s being ignored. Seeing it was a reminder of how I felt but not because I wanted to sit and wallow in it, but rather because I wanted to SEE it, deal with it, and move on.

      And I have.

      First of all, my nails are already blue. 🙂 Blue is my favorite color, the color of the sea, the sky and just a vibrant color that I love. They are an electric blue.

      Secondly, I went away over the weekend and met my sister in a neutral city where we laughed, cried, had a good time, and both came away feeling better. So that helped too.

      All in all, I do feel a lot better. I feel…STRONGER. Every now and then I succumb, and that’s natural. For me, however, I’ve found that rather than trying to ignore the pain altogether, I need to do something that acknowledges the pain, I need to ride the wave, and then I come out okay on the other side. For me, that includes writing about the pain, doing other things that help me to face it, and then…I’m done. I think having a weekend away in a different setting also helped immensely in a way that I would not have been helped had I just been sitting here in my usual setting. So I feel even better.

      But I really really appreciate your thoughts and advice and your caring enough to take the time to share them. As you know, doom and gloom days do come back…I know that. They’ll come again, I’m sure. But just by knowing that I am equipped to deal with it.

      Also, I have a Thankfulness Journal that I used to write in every day. Like you, there were days in which I struggled to find something positive to be thankful for, and there were many repeats when I couldn’t find new things. But it did help! And I am going to bring it back into active use, so thanks a lot for reminding me.

  2. City Girl says:

    Oh good!! I am so happy that you got away. I was going to suggest that but having kids I did not know if were possible so I didn’t mention it. And congrads on the nail polish. Its one day at a time. You have a great sense of humor and writing in your blog is a great tool. You know we be laughing our butts off reading some of your posts. Some of the things you say are things some people would only think. You keep it real with the good the bad and the ugly which is why your blog is so great. and whooo whooo the kids should be in school again and time for yourself!! YES!

  3. Leila says:

    Ah, but you forget, I homeschool my children, so nothing changes for us come September. However, I am working on making lots of changes around here, so…stay tuned.

  4. City Girl says:

    LOL yes I did forget about that.