Things You Don’t Want to Hear Your Husband Say

My pee-pee is burning.

It was these words that I heard the Tech Guru exclaim to me a few days ago.

Putting aside the fact that, yes, he did refer to his penis as his pee-pee (this is the kind of shit that happens when you have kids), it was…mildly disturbing, to say the least.

Um, excuse me?” I answered with raised eyebrows. Because when someone tells you their penis is burning, especially someone that you have sex with from time t0 time, there’s really nothing good that comes to mind.

I washed my hands, but I guess I didn’t wash them well enough.”

Ah. It was all beginning to make sense to me now.

I had slept terribly the night before, and my neck and left shoulder had decided to seize up and become pretty inoperable for the entire day. I couldn’t really turn my head to the left, and when he touched my shoulder the Tech Guru could feel some kind of knot. I need to get that massaged, I know, but to be honest, that knot has been there for so long that I’m thinking of getting it baptized. I really don’t think it’s going anywhere. Ever.

In any case, the Tech Guru had kindly rubbed the offending shoulder with some good old Flex-All, you know, one of many things like Ben-Gay or Icy Hot that you rub in and then wait for the minty tingling sensation to kick in. I don’t know if any of these actually DO anything helpful. But that tingly feeling is pretty nice.

After rubbing my shoulder intensely for a few minutes, the Tech Guru needed to pee, so he went and washed his hands.

Just not thoroughly enough, apparently.

There are several take-aways from this little anecdote:

  1. Flex-All, Icy Hot and BenGay can be excellent masturbation deterrents!
  2. There are some drawbacks to having a penis, such as needing to hold it to pee. Maybe this makes up for women having to squat over public toilets.
  3. Then again, I don’t think so.
  4. Always keep a box of latex gloves in the house. You never know when you’ll need them.
  5. If you don’t want your husband’s penis to burn, don’t get knots in your shoulders. And get a good night of rest.
  6. If you fail to pay attention to #5 and your husband’s penis begins to burn after he gives you a shoulder massage, you will probably owe him something.
  7. I give you one guess as to what that is.






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Posted in The Bod, The Fam | 6 Comments »

6 Responses to “Things You Don’t Want to Hear Your Husband Say”

  1. TwoNuse says:


    • Leila says:

      Now why would I want my husband NOT to say bacon? That’s like…foreplay or something. I LOVE bacon.

  2. Mom Off Meth says:

    Good to know AND hilarious. Thanks for that!!

  3. TwoNuse says:

    Home fries?

  4. City Girl says:

    OMG that was hilarious. Girl you are just too funny. I guess you now owe him a little massage now to make him feel better…but not with your hands. LOL.