My Other Fix

Okay. I’ve decided the Wellbutrin might be able to stay.

Why?

Well, because I’m as horny as a goat, that’s why.

You may recall that this seems to be one of the side effects of the drug. Seeing as how I did tell my doctor that my interest in sex was close to nil, that may be why she added this particular drug to the regimen.

That side effect seems to have kicked in nicely, thank you very much. I feel like I’m in my 20s again.

God help us all.

But!

Of course there is a BUT, because I am FURIOUS.

Not about the horniness.

About the fact that my TEA HAS NOT ARRIVED.

I am a tea snob. I may have written about this before but frankly, I’m too lazy to go looking through my own archives for it. In any case, I love English Breakfast tea. A good STRONG cup of black tea just sets my day off right.

Growing up I would drink Lipton at times.

Then that began to taste insipid.

Then I moved to Tetley’s British Blend. Definitely stronger than the Lipton and that was good for a while until I began to feel that if I didn’t let it steep for at least 10 minutes, it tasted watered down.

When I want my tea, waiting for the water to boil is hard enough. I cannot wait another 10 minutes for the damn thing to steep.

Then, I happened upon a local store that sold items directly from England. I was in heaven. Aside from having the crisps that I absolutely love, (that would be potato chips to you heathens non-Anglophiles), they had TEA. LOADS AND LOADS OF TEA.

The proprietress recommended that I try a brand called London Cuppa. I bought a box.

And was HOOKED.

This is CRACK TEA, I SWEAR.

This tea is so strong, and so incredibly flavorful and brisk and wonderful, that I am OBSESSED.

Lo and behold, one day I went into the store and she said she was no longer able to get it from the importers.

I was aghast. Dumbstruck. Horrified.

And ready to shank someone.

She recommended another brand, I think it was Yorkshire Gold from Taylors of Harrogate, and the bloody thing gave me a raging headache, aside from the fact that I wasn’t too keen on the taste. Just thinking about it makes my head hurt.

So I went back to the Tetleys for a bit. But it tasted even worse now. You know, once you’ve had the good stuff, you can’t go back to crap.

And then…something told me to look up my beloved London Cuppa on Amazon.

PRAISE GOD, they HAVE it.

Is there NOTHING you cannot get from the Amazon Gods?

And, get this! I can get it in large quantities. As in, one bag of tea that has 440 teabags. THIS…is to DIE for.

So, last week, we were running low on tea, and I ordered a bloody bag. I have Amazon Prime, which means that most things, including my effing tea, can arrive to me within 2 days.

I ordered my tea on the 8th.

Old Twinings Shop on The Strand, London

I’m sorry but my personal opinion is that Twinings tea sucks. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is the 11th.

I still have no tea.

It was supposed to arrive yesterday.

Then the tracking was updated to say today.

The UPS man came, passed my house, and kept going. It is my usual driver, and he’s pretty damn good, so I could only conclude, as I wistfully watched his truck roll by, that he had no tea for me on his truck.

But when I checked the tracking info, it said it was out for delivery. Today.

So I don’t know WHERE my fucking tea is, but what I DO know is that someone better get it here PRONTO before I blow a goddamn gasket. I bought some Twinings this weekend, thinking that if I ran out before the good stuff arrived, I would at least have something to hold me over. It tastes like shit, not only because it’s Twinings, a brand that I’ve found distinctly unimpressive, but also because I mistakenly picked up DECAF. DECAF TEA.

DECAF TEA is as stupid and friggin pointless as non-alcoholic beer. I mean, if you’re going to drink the damn thing, commit. If you’re not, just give it up. What the fuck is the point of decaf tea and decaf coffee and non-alcoholic beer? Who the hell wants to drink beer…that has no alcohol in it? Why the hell else would I drink beer if NOT for the alcohol?

The tracking number is not the usual UPS format. Maybe it’s coming by FedEx, although it doesn’t look like a FedEx number either. I don’t know. Maybe Jose from Messengers R Us is delivering it. I don’t know. I don’t care. Just, whoever has my GODDAMN TEA,  GET IT HERE IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND UP IN HERE!!!!!!!

 

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Posted in The Bod, The Rants | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “My Other Fix”

  1. City Girl says:

    OMG you are so frigging funny. I hope you get your tea soon and since you are so horny I hope its not so good you have an orgasm when you drink your first cup. LOL

    • Leila says:

      Wow! I never even thought of that! An orgasmic cup of tea. Let me tell you, this tea is so good, it’s highly possible. And it DID arrive, but not by FedEx or UPS or USPS which really makes me think that some guy named Miguel on a burro was paid to drop it off on his way to pick fruit for 5 cents an hour. And this is why the American economy is in the toilet.

  2. City Girl says:

    Well it must have been good for you cause we haven’t heard from you since. LOL