I Am an Internet Stalker…Sort of

Well, not really.

There are people who do that kind of thing for reals, and I think for the most part that they should be shot or, at the very least, quarintined and checked for rabies. Why rabies? Well, I was stalked by a squirrel once. It was sort of my fault, actually, because I was making this weird Tsk-tsk-tsk noise that apparently squirrels understand, and I kept making the noise and the squirrel came up to me looking all mesmerized and BIT me on my thumb but it didn’t break any skin so I didn’t have to actually GET a rabies shot but I bet the squirrel had rabies, and that would probably explain why it was (sort of) stalking me. That, and the noise I was making. Oh, and that my thumb must have looked like an acorn or something.

Then you have the Facebook stalkers. You know, the ones who hate you but always look at your page. You know this happens, because we’ve all done it. We’re jealous of someone or mad at someone or hurt by someone…and we go look at their Facebook page. Why the fuck do we do that? It’s like, let me fucking TORTURE myself by seeing that this person is out there having a grand old time instead of feeling miserable like me. I stopped doing that because I realized it was just self-destructive. If I don’t like someone or need to stay away from someone, I just either unfriend them or unsubscribe from their newsfeed. The unsubscribe is actually very cool because you still remain friends with the person, but you don’t see any of their pictures, posts or anything they do unless you go looking for it, and if you go looking for it at least you’ve made a conscious decision to stab yourself in the heart or piss yourself off instead of getting totally blind-sided by seeing pictures of your ex-best friend in bed having breakfast with your ex-girlfriend popping up in your newsfeed. The other thing you have to beware of is when someone ELSE you’re friends with posts something with that person involved and then you see it and you’re all like FUCK I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THIS. So your best bet is to unsubscribe from the person you can’t stand, AND all the friends you have in common, so that then you don’t have to see squat.

Then there’s the unfriending, which is when you say to yourself, you know what? This isn’t temporary, this person just pisses me the fuck off. But I don’t want to say anything, so I’ll just unfriend them. The thing about this is, the person doesn’t KNOW they’ve been unfriended. Until they look you up and you show up with just a profile picture and all your other shit is private. It’s sort of like they came to your house for a party and no one answered the door.

Of course, there’s the ultimate: THE BLOCK. When you BLOCK someone on Facebook, it’s as though you have wiped them off the Facebook Planet. You never ever see THEM, and they never ever see YOU. Neither of you exists in the other one’s Facebook World.

UNLESS…Yes, there is an unless, because this is Facebook, of course, and they have more back doors than fucking Home Depot.  IF, you and the Blocked person both happen to be part of the same group, you WILL see their comments in THAT group, and they will see your comments in THAT group, but that’s it. But at least it won’t be quite as uncomfortable as the way it is when you see someone that you don’t like or are avoiding at a party and you have to pretend you don’t see them at all but you’ve always got them in your peripheral vision so that when they get close you can activate your personal restraining order and move off somewhere else and get engaged in an in-depth conversation about the recent discovery of the Higgs boson, about which you know absolutely NOTHING, you don’t even know what the hell a Higgs boson is but you figure if you listen intently maybe you’ll figure it out, maybe it’s a new species in the rainforest or the name of the edge of the universe, and you’re standing there giving it serious thought all because you want to avoid even THINKING about, furthermore SEEING, THAT PERSON.

quantum mechanics

This picture really has nothing to do with anything I wrote but I just wanted to see if you would read it. (Photo credit: Plucker)

See, that doesn’t happen on FB. Which is probably about the only good thing Facebook has going for it these days.

I know about blocking because I have been blocked. By someone in my own family, I might add. Which I think is freaking hilarious, because she’s crazier than I am. See, the difference between her crazy and my crazy is, I KNOW what my issues are, and I try to deal with them. I try not to inflict my crap on other people, and when I do, I apologize. (And if you’re sitting there thinking, well last week she said some off-the-wall shit to me and she hasn’t apologized yet, guess what? That wasn’t the crazy talking, that was ME and I am NOT FUCKING APOLOGIZING so don’t hold your breath. Just because I’m crazy doesn’t mean I’m always WRONG.) Anyhow, this family member has no idea that she has issues that require psychological intervention, and half of the lies she tells are fabrications that she has psyched herself into believing. And these are not even about FEELINGS, which are of course, always open to interpretation. These fabrications will be about ACTUAL EVENTS. For instance, like saying, “Joe on my block tried to sell his baby for crack at the block party last week.” Mind you, this shit will have NEVER happened. But she’ll BELIEVE it did. There will be other eyewitnesses that were there the whole time and they will tell you that Joe was actually in Detroit that day at an office meeting, or on a cruise with his wife, and furthermore he doesn’t even have any fucking kids, and she will still say NO WAY HE WAS THERE SELLING HIS BABY.

That’s the kind of psychosis I’m talking about. Completely changing the fabric of history.

Anyhow, I’m not doing any of the above kinds of internet stalking.

I am stalking a website.

There is another swim team that I want Punksin to swim for. When I started really researching what facilities there were in the surrounding areas and which ones excelled, this one rose to the top of the list and they’re close by. BUT, with my luck, I learned of their existence about 2 weeks after they had tryouts for the spring/summer season.

So every day now I am on there waiting to see when they will announce the dates for tryouts for the Fall season, which probably won’t even happen until August or possibly after Labor Day but JUST IN CASE…

I am stalking the site.



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Posted in The Laughs | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “I Am an Internet Stalker…Sort of”

  1. city girl says:

    ROFLMAO that was HILARIOUS! confession: I tried to read the links on the higgs boson and since I hate science it all went over my head so I still don’t know what it is…I do know what a facebook stalker is though…that why I don’t update FB anymore…I just blog now..anonymously…with my name and identity hidden… I hope. I don’t mind strangers stalking me but ppl u know have a tendency to turn into heaters once they know too much about what you are doing.
    PS we all have family like that

  2. city girl says:

    PPS I check ur page everyday but we don’t know each other personally sooooo I hate to even ask the question….does that make me a stalker??

    • Leila says:

      You are so totally NOT a stalker. You are a reader whom I very much appreciate. ROFLMAO…what I’M talking about is stalking these people to the point of becoming a nuisance. Of course, me checking their website isn’t really stalking. But it will turn into stalking once I figure out when the tryouts are held. The things people will do for their kids…although I wouldn’t go out and kill another cheerleader because my child didn’t make it onto cheerleading. That’s a tad extreme. But parking out in front of the swim coach’s house every night until Punksin gets on? Yeah…I could do that.

  3. mara says:

    Thanks so much for linking to the Fuck-it List!! Glad you like the name, but I can’t take credit. I had a guest post on my other blog, http://www.momfaze.com, and had to do my own!! Please let me know if you decide to do one, and feel free to connect on twitter @chickymara!