July 2nd, 2012
Well, it’s late afternoon, and for some reason that I don’t quite understand, I haven’t crashed yet.
But tonight, I am taking some sleeping pills and I am going to bed EARLY. Although I would love to get some writing done first…I’ll see if I can think coherently.
You know, I was thinking today about how sometimes we want something so badly and get frustrated when it doesn’t work out. And we think that maybe we’re doing something wrong, we’re wondering why we’re killing ourselves and bending over backwards and still nothing is working, but the truth of the matter is – we’re better off without it. There is a better plan for us. And yes, we are deliberately being kept from that thing, whatever it is, not because we need to work harder for it…
but because we shouldn’t be working towards it at all.
Right now, right here and now, I know – I KNOW – what I should be doing. I know what I’ve worked for the past 20 years to achieve, emotionally, spiritually, career-wise, romantically… I know what I’ve walked away from, and what I’ve walked towards. And I shouldn’t second-guess those decisions or wish I could change them…because they were the right ones. They were the right ones then, and they are the right ones now.
I need to get out more, that much is clear. But if I’m not getting together with certain people, that’s okay. They are living different lives than what I am living now and I can’t go back, and I shouldn’t go back, to that girl of yesteryear. I’m not the girl of yesteryear anymore.
I’m the Woman of Today. And I like her.
I love the girl of yesteryear, don’t get me wrong! Apparently that girl knew just what she was doing and had a lot of sense, because here I am now with all the tools I need to succeed and to be happy.
I have wonderful kids.
I have a husband who is supportive even when he doesn’t understand what the hell is going on with me, and who is always there when I need him, not only with my health issues, but with my work. Last night I was having a problem with doing something on the site and I just let him know and BAM, it’s DONE. I need software for my writing, BAM, its done. Whatever I want, gets done. Whatever makes me happy, gets done. When I need him…he is there. And sometimes, that’s all you want, someone to BE THERE. To be PRESENT, even if they’re not doing anything for you at that particular moment, to know that they are hovering, and ready to respond IF you need them. He is truly my rock and although at that rare moment it was scary to realize how much I depend on him, the truth is…I know I can.
I know his back will break before he lets me fall.
That is so awesome, that I have my own personal software developer in the house who is also a very good partner, both in business and with the kids, and who is really really my best friend. Sure we argue, but the truth is…it’s very very rare. That big blowout of a few days ago? First time in 15 years we have had an argument like that. FIRST TIME. We don’t argue. We just…don’t. And I love that.
So it’s really up to me now. I just need to…
MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I am getting together in the city with one of my girlfriends next week, a close friend. And another friend the same week. And I am already making plans to be away next summer for an entire month, with the kids, by the beach, where I can get some work done and be at peace. And maybe, just maybe, party a little – with the right people. 🙂 As a matter of fact, I contacted ANOTHER girlfriend today who owns a hotel, and she was ready to hook me up for THIS year if possible. But next year will soon come, and I am hoping that by then I will be working on the SECOND book. Or at the very least, doing final revisions on the first one. FINAL. (Fingers crossed!)
I did a lot of work last night on the first one and churned out 1000 words. I’m going to try to keep that pace going, and I also realize I need to get some research done for some scenes that will be coming up where, right now, I will not have a snowball’s chance in hell of knowing what the frig I’m talking about if I don’t do some research first.
I feel good. Tired, and still down about some things, but…good about the future. I have brought myself to this place. I can work through the bad because the good is really really good. I just need to reach out…
and grab it.