Ze Return of Claude, that Fucking BASTARD

Yeah, him.

That fucker came back with a vengeance.

I don’t know exactly what happened.

Actually, I think it was more an accumulation of things, some of them events, some of them shit that has been simmering for some time that just boiled over.

All I know is, by Sunday night I was ready to stick my head in the oven and turn on the gas.

Depression 6

I don't even know what the fuck any of this says except that it all leads to or is somehow connected to depression

Not a good look for me.

What sucks too, is when you reach out to people and they just ignore you. You’re in pain, you’re saying you feel like shit and worthless and wondering why the fuck you even exist, but they are just too busy with their own lives to stop and say, hey, it would suck if you took YOUR life, and you are NOT a worthless piece of crap who would be better off dead and although you are a pain in the ass sometimes, none of us really want to KILL you cuz somehow despite how fucked up in the head you are, we still love you, oh yes indeedy we DO.

This is where I have to give a huge shoutout to my West Coast girl Michal who is going through some of the same crap and who GETS it. Who understands that depression is a DISEASE, not just a state of mind. Who understands that no matter how bright your best days are, that sucker can come roaring back with a vengeance and just suck you down into a chasm of despair. And no many how many times previously you’ve climbed out of that hole, or how many times you’ve managed to rationalize to yourself that life is worth living, when you are BACK in that hole feeling like a worthless purposeless piece of shit, you have to go through all of that ALL OVER AGAIN. Knowing that you climbed out before doesn’t help. The rationalizations that you told yourself before, they don’t help. It’s like you are going through it and have to fight it with the same strength and energy.

Except sometimes…you don’t have that same energy anymore.

Because fighting is tiring. Like fighting with people, there comes a point where you eventually decide, I’m not doing this anymore. I’m done. It takes a long time for me to get to that point, particularly with people I care about, but when I’m done…I’m done.

That can happen with life. You get to the point where…you’re done.

Sigh. Do I think I’m done? No. I still have some fight left in me somewhere. And I have two fabulous kids and it is for them that I fight because I DO NOT want to screw them up in the way that I know they would be screwed up if they had to live life knowing that their mother decided she had to exit stage left. I can’t do that to them. Life is hard, and I am not a perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination, but God so HELP me if I ever get so depressed and despondent that I think that even THEY are better off without me. Because once I lose that perspective of saving them and living for them

Well, then, at that point, there’s really nothing left between me and a big bottle o’ pills.

Speaking of pills, I do have an appointment to see my doctor next week to discuss this, because this is…it’s not cool. It’s not fucking cool at ALL. I was doing well for a while but…I don’t know what’s happening now. I don’t know what changed. It’s like the medication isn’t keeping me from the brink anymore. I don’t know if we need to up the dose or change the meds or what. But something has to change. Something has to work.

It has to, right?

It has to.

Because if not…

 

 

 

 

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Posted in The Mind, The Spirit | 2 Comments »

2 Responses to “Ze Return of Claude, that Fucking BASTARD”

  1. I agree that people who do not suffer from depression have no idea what it is like. They don’t understand why we can’t just think happy thoughts and snap out of it. Everything will be going fine and then I will wake up one day and it’s like having the flu. A cloud just envelopes me until it decides to pass, and I have never figured when or why. Hang in there! I am a mom too and it is what keeps me fighting. I have to sheepishly admit I went home one day, my kids were at their dads that night, and decided to lay in bed, watch tv, and not fight the depression for a night. The next day I was back at life, but sometimes it is very tiring. I wish you well at your appointment!! There are strangers that care about your struggle and please always feel free to reach out to people like me!! Chris

    • Leila says:

      Chris, thanks so much for chiming in. You know, it’s weird, but sometimes it IS the caring of “strangers” that helps a lot, especially when your friends are too busy or just don’t understand. But people like you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. You phrase it so well…it DOES attack like a sudden flu and sometimes you just have to ride it out. When I was single and childless, I used to do exactly what you mentioned: just ride the wave and not try to fight it. If I felt like crying, I would cry, curl up in my bed with a good book, take a long hot bath, drink some wine, and just CRY. And just as you said, the next day I often felt better. And even as I’m writing this it occurs to me that maybe that is a big part of the problem: I don’t DO that anymore. I don’t nurture, well, not the DEPRESSION, but MYSELF. With two kids that are ALWAYS with me, I have no time to really sit with the depression, face it, deal with it, and knock it out. I’m always having to hide it so that the rest of my family can continue to function “normally”. So it sits there and simmers until eventually it boils and overflows. So I really need to carve out some me time, maybe when I feel it coming on I will book myself into a hotel or something. My husband is supportive but he just doesn’t understand this disease. Most people DON’T. They think it’s just a matter of going out some more, or changing your outlook on life. As you said, think happy thoughts! LOL Well, sometimes my supposedly “happy” thoughts make me MORE depressed. Sigh. Thank you – it means a lot to hear from others fighting the beast.