Spam-o-Rama

no spam!

Spam is a pain in the ass.

Not Spam in the CAN. That’s just vile stuff and yet…I must admit to occasional hankerings for it. Then I remind myself that I have no idea WHAT part of the pig that stuff comes from – or even if it’s totally pig – and I can usually give it a pass.

No, I mean the spam I get in my mailbox here.

But I have to tell you, given the level of my depression these days, I welcome the bullshit that shows up in my spam box. Because I sit there and look at it and it’s like some kind of Shock and Awe attack going on. Who WRITES this shit? It’s either the same people over in India that I talk to when I call about my credit cards, or some automated program that is just putting words together in a way that makes ZERO sense.

And…I love it.

I love that my spam filter catches it all so that that I don’t actually have to sift through the crap to see the real comments from the real people. But every now and then I mosey into that box to see what’s new and some it is just…out there.

I just sifted through the spam box and here are today’s gems. Actually, they’re not all of today’s gems, because there are over 1,000 comments in my spam folder right now and when I get depressed enough to read over 1,000 spam comments, I’ll just take the easy way out and kill myself, thank you, rather than bore myself to death. But here we go:

meow

Yeah, that was it. Just…meow. Who knew that cats were on the internets?

“It’s onerous to search out educated folks on this topic, but you sound like you understand what you’re speaking about! Thanks”

You know, this makes me feel good to know that I am performing some sort of public service. I DO know what I’m speaking about. Search no further, just park your ass right here and soak up my wisdom.

“I’m which means happy to own noticed this unique website. Most people very nearly explained myself only just the things I just opted towards hear towards not to mention next various. Gorgeous publishing not to mention many thanks once for the purpose of accomplishing that certainly no tarif!”

Really…is any explanation even NECESSARY?

“So as not to become which i nearly pearls, excess that scans this particular record great. Monothematic I will, but I enjoy pearls and absolutely nothing much a lot far additional changes that. Nevertheless, withon this thread I note that phenomena usually are certainly not usually clear, a minimum of for everybody. Everybody recognizes as well as can feel as part of his personal approach, hence the actual examination of the things is indeed different. However I really hope that it is all totally moving towards this kind of, to come to an agreement in order to be able for you to help mutually acceptable fact. Yours.”

Hmmm…well, apparently this person likes pearls. Actually, he ENJOYS them. Beyond that, I have NO idea what the fuck is going on here.

“I might ‘t be below basically inadvertently missed this particular intriguing item. I did not believe there are those who are in the same manner My partner and my spouse and i actually notice this particular phenomenon. In my experience it is appropriate to think therefore, however more valuable is to familiarize the mediocre ones. Education is paramount to sanity, to see the actual trends as is also. We appreciate you in which, as a result, that withon this Internet site may also be those people who find themselves trying to help issues. We, however, ask to me and also to another, fantastic discussion.”

A couple of things stuck out with this one. First, “my partner my spouse and I“. Apparently, this person is a swinger. And I’m cool with that! I really don’t have a problem with it, what you do is YOUR BUSINESS. Then, however, we get to “education is paramount to sanity,” and that’s where he and I parted ways. Look, I’ll be blunt: I am very highly educated. At age 4, my IQ was 140. (It may have gone down since then due to the amazing amount of time I have had to spend around idiots.) My parents were both geniuses – not because I said so, but because IQ tests said so. And my parents and I are PERFECT examples of BORDERLINE PSYCHOTIC people. Seriously. I mean, look at most of the geniuses in the world, especially in the creative arts. You will not find a more fucked up bunch of folks if you looked in a mental hospital. So, I’m not agreeing with this dude AT ALL. If education was paramount to sanity, I’d be a much happier person right now.

“please do the right moral human thing and spread the truth”

I’m trying. I’m really really trying. But some people? They’re just not READY for the truth. Fuck, sometimes I’M not ready for the truth. That’s why I drink and take medication, sometimes at the same time! That way when I HEAR the truth – I don’t give a shit.

“Seldom I write comments, because I believe it is better to be noiseless than write stupid, but on this occasion I wanted to congratulate people. Some write, that any bridge is beautiful, and I write that such entries are needed more, perhaps many people will open your eye. Thanks, if I invite myself to try and do it very subtly.”

Now see, this is a person who went straight to my heart. I’m a WRITER, goddamit. So I TOO believe that “it is better to be noiseless than write stupid.” If you cannot express yourself properly, then by all means, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’m SO with you on that. You had my HEART when you wrote that, I swear, I was in love, I was ready to leave it all behind for a life of perfect prose, we were going to feed each other grapes and ambrosia and make love to poetry. BUT THEN! BUT THEN! What did you do? You went…and FUCKING WROTE STUPID. What happened? What happened to the promises we made – you know, to NOT WRITE STUPID? WHAT the FUCK HAPPENED? UGH!

“Like said a well-known proverb, If the first of July it be rainy weather, ’twill rain more or less for four weeks togetherWhat’s none of my profit shall be none of my perilA lot of water has passed under the bridge”

After giving this some careful thought…

I’ve decided to come back and read this again after smoking some crack. It might actually make sense to me then. SOME of it makes sense, but as a total package…not so much. Of course, if any of you CURRENTLY smoke crack and can save me the trouble of getting hooked on it just to figure out what the FUCK THIS MEANS, I’d be incredibly grateful.

“I am in that same rut, slump, hole, whatever you want to call it. I crave to be sotnhmieg truly spectacular and not cookie cutter. I feel unique for a moment and then turn around and see a hundred+ people just like me. I do not stand out. I am not an original. I just blend. I do NOT wish to blend. I’m not saying I crave stardom or fame either, but I would love to deem myself truly worthy of being an artist. Anyway.. I could go on and on and on about this topic. It’s WILD that you would write about this today. Your words are EXACTLY how I feel. I need to find myself some inspiration, confidence, and direction. Thank you for posting this.”

This one actually had me going for a minute there. I mean, it sounded as though it could be an authentic response to something I wrote, right? NO. KEEP READING:

“It’s great to see a photographer whom I look up to, struggle with these very same issues. I mean.. I’m not happy that you are struggling . lol just makes me feel normal perhaps. Good luck with your soul search. Being around Zach will be INCREDIBLE no doubt. I am so jealous you are going to hang with him!!! That will surely light a fire under your bum if nothing else does!!!! ENJOY that. I wish I could afford to meet him. :O)Thanks for posting this topic too. I look forward to seeing what your outcome will be. As for me? I need a project to focus on. Something that pushes me to be better. Something that is from my soul and not just the robotic shutter clicks that I seem to fall into client after client after client .. All my best!<3J”

First of all? Not a photographer. I’m a WRITER. Secondly…who the fuck is ZACH? And if being around him is going to be so goddamn wonderful, then by all means, send me his info so he can “light a fire under my bum” as you so succinctly put it. As for your first project, I would say your first task should be…responding to REAL PHOTOGRAPHERS. Ones that ACTUALLY KNOW ZACH.

And last but not least, I leave you with this gem which, YES, was left as an ACTUAL COMMENT. As with the others, I have done NO editing whatsoever:

“Peaches and Cream Bread Pudding with Amaretto Sauce Recipe courtesy Emeril LagasseShow: The Essence of EmerilEpisode: Comfort Food For the pindudg:4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened, plus 4 tablespoons melted6 cups 1-inch cubes of day-old bread2 cups heavy cream2 cups milk2 pounds peaches, peeled and seeded, cut into 1-inch chunks1 cup sugar5 large eggs1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmegFor the sauce:1 stick butter1 cup heavy cream1 cup sugar2 egg yolks1/3 cup amarettoFor the Bread Pudding: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a 10 by 14-inch baking dish with 1 tablespoon of the softened butter. In a large bowl, combine the bread cubes, heavy cream and milk and let sit for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.While the bread is soaking, heat the remaining 3 tablespoons of softened butter in a large skillet and, when butter begins to bubble, add the peaches and 1/4 cup of the sugar. Cook, stirring occasionally, until peaches are golden brown around the edges and softened, 4 to 6 minutes. Set aside. In a medium bowl, combine the eggs, the remaining 3/4 cup of sugar, vanilla, and nutmeg and whisk well to combine. Stir the egg mixture into the bread mixture and fold to combine. Add the warm peaches and fold gently but thoroughly to combine. Pour into the prepared dish. Drizzle with the melted butter and bake until golden brown, puffed, and slightly firm when pressed in the center, 45 minutes to 1 hour. Cool on a wire rack until just warm, about 20 minutes. For the Amaretto Sauce: In a small, heavy enameled or other non-reactive saucepan over medium low heat, add the butter and cook until melted. In a small bowl combine the cream, sugar, and egg yolks and whisk to combine. Add the cream mixture to the melted butter and stir well. Cook, stirring constantly, until the sauce thickens and coats the back of a spoon, about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat immediately and add the amaretto. Transfer sauce to a small heatproof bowl and serve hot or warm over warm bread pindudg.The Best Bread Pudding Recipe courtesy Paula Deen, 2007Show: Paula’s Home CookingEpisode: Great Bake-off 2 cups granulated sugar5 large beaten eggs2 cups milk2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract3 cups cubed Italian bread, allow to stale overnight in a bowl1 cup packed light brown sugar1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, softened1 cup chopped pecansFor the sauce:1 cup granulated sugar1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, melted1 egg, beaten2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract1/4 cup brandyPreheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 13 by 9 by 2-inch pan.Mix together granulated sugar, eggs, and milk in a bowl; add vanilla. Pour over cubed bread and let sit for 10 minutes. In another bowl, mix and crumble together brown sugar, butter, and pecans. Pour bread mixture into prepared pan. Sprinkle brown sugar mixture over the top and bake for 35 to 45 minutes, or until set. Remove from oven. For the sauce:Mix together the granulated sugar, butter, egg, and vanilla in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir together until the sugar is melted. Add the brandy, stirring well. Pour over bread pindudg. Serve warm or cold.”

The first person to make this and send me some gets a prize.

Smooches!

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in The Laughs | Comments Off on Spam-o-Rama

Comments are closed.