My Aqua/Turquoise Handbag Obsession

PARIS - OCTOBER 06:  A detail of a model as sh...

PARIS - OCTOBER 06: A detail of a model as she walks the runway during the Louis Vuitton Ready to Wear Spring/Summer 2011 show during Paris Fashion Week at Cour Carree du Louvre on October 6, 2010 in Paris, France. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

Every now and then, I get…obsessed with something.

Once it was boots. I went absolutely insane buying…boots. My rationale was that since I hate winter SO MUCH, that at least if I had awesome kick-ass boots to knock around in, I would be more inclined to go out and rock them to the world.

Um, not so much. I still hate winter. And now I have a huge gazillion gallon tote thing-a-ma-jiggy with enough boots to outfit a ranch.

Right now, I am obsessed with finding an aqua-ish turquoise-ish handbag.

They are out there. Trust me. I have seen aqua bags aplenty both online and in the shopping malls. But I CANNOT FIND THE PERFECT ONE.

This is where I wish I was Beyonce or Kim Kartrashian or some other celebrity chick, because all they would have to do is breathe a little sigh about wanting an aqua handbag and all of a sudden they would be inundated with handbags, for FREE, from Kooba, Balenciaga, Coach, Louis Vuitton and anyone else in the fashion world. They would design handbags just for them.

Somehow, I am thinking that…this is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME.

Of course, you realize that this is all your fault, you bastards. If you loved me, you would be sending me handbags RIGHT NOW. At least a fucking PICTURE of a handbag that I could say “OMG, that is EXACTLY THE ONE I WANT,” and then I could run off and buy it, since you would probably not be nice enough to buy it FOR me.

Fuckers.

All the handbags I see have something wrong with them. They’re the wrong shade. Or the shape sucks. Or it has too many buckles and hardware. Or it doesn’t have enough hardware. Or the lining is awful. Or it’s too big. Or it’s too small. And the more of this I encounter, the more OBSESSED I BECOME with finding exactly the right handbag.

Why is this so hard? Why does this have to become a THING I WRITE ABOUT?

I know, if there are any straight men out there that have even gotten this far through the post, you’re thinking, “it’s just a goddamn blue bag, what’s the big deal?” I am not going to even attempt to explain this to you, because this is just another rendition of “why do you need to have 10 pairs of black shoes” conversation. It’s NOT just any blue bag, and…you know what? You don’t get it, and you never will get it, so just…fuck you and go away.

Unless, of course, you want to get me a handbag.

Notice I said STRAIGHT men, because if you’re gay, you probably know EXACTLY where I can get the handbag and you definitely have much better fashion sense than I do. I know…it’s a terrible stereotype. Actually, now that I think about it, it REALLY is a terrible stereotype because I can immediately think of two gay men I know whose fashion sense is absolutely horrifyingly atrocious. Not avant-garde, not eccentric, just fucking ATROCIOUS.

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