February 13th, 2012
Yesterday the kids were taking their swimming lessons at the Boys & Girls Club. I got them in lessons at the same time, and it’s awesome: Pudding is on the shallow end of the pool learning how to swim while Punksin is on the other deep end refining her breaststroke and learning to dive.
I was sitting there watching them with the Tech Guru and thinking how incredible and wonderful they are. I absolutely LOVE MY KIDS. They are just so great – such amazing, positive energy, such gifts. And they are GROWING…so fast. Punksin is right up under my armpits – and not even 8 years old yet! And Pudding’s head is just level with my waistline. They are just growing in height, in intelligence, just growing.
I turned to the Tech Guru.
“Do you want another one?” I asked.
He watched Punksin as she floated on her back, practicing a stroke.
“I don’t know,” he answered after a few seconds.
“What do you mean, you don’t KNOW? It’s either YES, or NO. Either you DO, or you DON’T. Which one is it?” I persisted. Yes. I am an annoying little fuck sometimes. I know this.
“I don’t know,” he repeated, still watching Punksin kicking on the far side of the pool.
“There’s no right or wrong answer, you know,” I said.
“I don’t know. It means…I’m good either way. I’m good if we have another one, and I’m good if we don’t.”
Okay. That made a little more sense to me.
I looked at Pudding, who was paddling around happily on a baby boogie board, learning how to use his arms and hands in kiddy freestyle. I watched him and although he is still small all of a sudden it hit me how big he is getting and it seemed absolutely impossible that he is almost 5, that it’s been that long since he was my little baby Pudding with the cutest round head EVER that was completely bald of the beautiful dark ash blonde curls he has now. How could he have gotten big so fast?
Over on the other side of the pool, Punksin was being asked to demonstrate a stroke because THAT’S HOW FUCKING AWESOME she is. The Tech Guru hadn’t taken his eyes off her.
“What if…” I said, trailing off. I took a deep breath. “What if…what if I wanted to have one? Would you do it?”
He turned to look at me. “Yes.”
And then he turned back to Punksin.
I stared at him. “You would?”
“You really would? If I decided yes, I definitely 100% want to have a baby, you’d do it for me?”
He looked at me again, almost as though he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t understand how simple this was for him. “You’re an awesome mother. I’m an awesome dad. We have awesome kids. If you really want another one, yes. I would.”
I leaned on his shoulder and smiled, feeling my eyes get watery at the knowledge that even if he might not care one way or the other, if it’s what I want – let’s go. He believes in me, he believes in himself, and he believes in us and our ability not only to HAVE a child, but to make sure that child is the best person it can be.
I do understand what he means about being on the fence. There’s so much I miss. I miss the babyhood, the fatness, the cuteness. I miss the nursing, watching a baby fall asleep as I nurture it, feeling the hormones coursing through my body and calming me down. I miss changing diapers, I know, it sounds crazy, but I NEVER hated changing diapers.
And I miss being pregnant. It was a joy to me to be pregnant, to know that there was a life growing inside. Feeling it move was like getting a glimpse of God, this miracle that another totally different spirit and human was living and growing inside of me, feeling it move and turn – it was so wonderful. I was never unaware that within me moved a miracle.
I’m always amazed to hear women complain so much about pregnancy. I loved it. I loved how I felt, I loved how I looked, and most importantly, I loved the miracle. It was the miracle of it that awed me, that I was always mindful of – there was a PERSON in there. Of course like most moms, I wanted the pregnancy to end so I could meet the baby, but I also loved having both of my children in the womb, connecting with them inside, talking to them, reading to them, playing footsie with them, and just marveling at all of it.
Having said all of that, I know that no matter how many children you have, they do all eventually grow up. They don’t stay babies forever. At some point, I will have to let that phase of my life go and live with the memories as the children I reminisce about move towards adulthood and their destinies.
The other factor is, we are slowly getting to the point where we can do more active things together as a family – things like skiiing, or surfing, or rock climbing, or snorkeling or diving or kayaking. The Tech Guru and I cannot wait to be able to do those things with Pudding and Punksin. Adding another munchkin to the mix puts a severe dent in that plan…as it stands now, if I were able to get pregnant right now, Punksin would be 8 by the time a baby arrived, Pudding 5. We’d be doing a whole lot more waiting – and then as Munchkin # 3 got to that point, Punksin would be almost ready for college.
And of course, I’m getting older now. Who knows if I’m even able to get pregnant easily? Pudding and Punksin were both one-shot deals – hubby and I talked about having a baby, and then made one on the first try, BOTH TIMES. I can even remember exactly WHERE in our house each baby was conceived and in what POSITION, that’s how tightly our conception plans came together. It got to the point where we would joke about it: “Don’t breathe on me, I might get pregnant.” “Don’t drink from my glass, I might get pregnant.”
We’ve been pretty blessed in that respect, and thus far I have no reason to think now would be any different. The Tech Guru is incredibly healthy and virile, and I’m still menstruating like crazy…but I AM 42. Do I want to try again, for what would be the last time? Or am I ready to let that go forever?
Now I think I understand the “I don’t know” part, because I’m not terribly sure of my answer either. But what moved me more than anything as we sat on that bench watching the two blessed children we have, was the Tech Guru’s faith in me, and his willingness to make me happy and go down that road with me again if I decide to. I just felt awed once again by the amount of love he has for me. It was both humbling and exhilarating. This was the love that brought our children into the world, this love right here, this love that is fearless and full of faith that no matter what we put our minds and efforts to, whether it is having a child or any number of other “projects,” we will get it done, get it done right, and excel at it.
I have some thinking to do, clearly. If I do, I’m trying for another summer baby, which means waiting until at least August to start trying. That also means I’ll be 43 when a baby would arrive.
It’s a lot to think about, but right now, I’m basking in that simple “Yes” from the Tech Guru.