More Ewok Porn, Except Not Really, And Maybe Worse

Okay, so what does the Tech Guru do except GO AND SHOW ALL THE GEEK SQUAD WHAT I WROTE.

Which I totally don’t think was a good idea, because now they’re going to be all like, why were you sitting there letting us talk about stupid shit like Ewok Porn when your wife was sitting right there, dumb ass, and if you couldn’t get the bitch to go away you should have given us some secret sign, something along the lines of I don’t like Ewok Porn so much but my wife does DON’T YOU HONEY and then we would have known she was sitting RIGHT THERE and we would have helped you out by talking about something more intelligent like quasars and quarks and existentialist bullshit until she got so bored she left the room and THEN we could have gone back to the Ewok Porn.

Oh well. I guess that’s his problem.

For the record, though, I have nothing against geeks. I am a geek. Geek is just someone who actually can talk intelligently about something besides Snooki and Kim Kartrashian and the latest football scores. Not that I have anything against the latest football scores either. We love football in this house. I just like well-rounded people, is all. People I can talk to about sci-fi, shit on TV, whether or not there’s intelligent life out there in the Universe, life goals…you know, meaningful shit, or interesting shit, or just…shit.

Not Optimal Fantasy Material

So to all the “geeks” out there, please, don’t get me wrong. I am not insulting you. I AM one of you. It was just…the Ewok porn thing. But then I saw the picture of the girl dressed like an Ewok and it made a whole lot more sense. Although personally I didn’t think she was that cute. I mean, she was OKAY. Not the kind of cute to inspire porn fantasies to me, but, hey, what do I know? I’m a woman and I have pretty high standards for other women. I mean, I’m always dumbfounded by what men will fantasize about, chicks that are just not that pretty and whose only redeeming qualities – for porn purposes, anyway – is the ownership of a vagina. Really? Is that all it takes? Because for that matter, there are horses with vaginas, and hamsters, and cats, and dolphins and rabbits…I mean, lots of things have vaginas. I think once you get into the land of porn fantasies, though, it shouldn’t just be HUMAN, but ATTRACTIVE. And some of the chicks I see in some lower-grade porn with bodies that are too thin or flabby, faces that would stop a clock…I mean, isn’t this supposed to be a FANTASY? So WHY, in a FANTASY, would you choose some D-grade shit? In real life, we have to be more practical, I get it. But not in PORN. Not in a fantasy. That’s like me fantasizing about having sex with Steve Buscemi when I could totally fantasize about having sex with Jason Momoa.

Optimal Fantasy Material

And that takes us into beauty being in the eye of the beholder and standards of beauty, and I’m not getting into that discussion here, because it’s way more serious than I feel like being now, plus I might have to accept that for some people EWOKS are attractive and I just really don’t want to go down that visual road because I might throw up. I’ll just acknowledge that we all have different tastes, and if that girl is cute to you, especially when she’s dressed like an Ewok, then, go for it, dude. But I’m just REMINDING you…fantasies should be awesome. Whatever awesome is to you. Life can be fucked up enough…don’t let it make you downgrade your fantasies. It’s all in your head and why can’t the stuff in your head be totally fucking awesome?

And to the geeks in the hangout, I promise that the next time hubby is in the room, I won’t be there sitting on the sidelines wondering what the hell is wrong with all of you. Maybe I’ll be in my own hangout and we’ll talk about how Jabba the Hutt was coming on to Princess Leia and how gross it all was but yet we wanted to see HOW THAT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK because really, did he even have a penis and if he did, would he even be able to find it, and how if he did and he managed to do the vile deed, Princess Leia would totally go over to the Dark Side and kill everybody because she’d be absolutely traumatized by the whole experience and that would be a WHOLE OTHER MOVIE like some kind of Star Wars alternate universe.

Ew.

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