December 31st, 2011
So, that’s it. 2011 is pretty much done.
I can’t say I’m sad to see it go…but honestly, looking back at it, I don’t feel this overwhelming sense of relief that it’s over either. I mean, it had its ups and downs, for sure, but…that’s life. There have been some years that I couldn’t wait to kick in the ass on their way out the door, but this year…really, not so bad.
I learned a LOT about life this year, and I think when I look back on it and reflect on what the take-away lesson for me is from 2011, it’s this:
Things – and people – are only as important in your life as you allow them to be. And if you are not important to other people, without anger you should release their importance to you.
I learned that I am not as important to some people as I had hoped to be. That was a mindfuck, not just knowing it but then sitting down and absorbing it and all that that meant. But in the end, I came away…okay! And that’s when it hit me like a freight train: being important to certain people was only a big deal because I made those people important…to ME.
And one of the things I needed to do to heal from that was to erase that importance, to stop dealing in what I hoped for and wished for and wanted, and start dealing in REALITY. I mean, to continue in fruitless attempts to get love and affection and praise … why? What made these people’s praise and love and affection any better than anyone else’s? If anything…it was worse, because it was conditional upon me being someone I’m not, or hiding my own feelings, or bowing down to other’s egos so that they could feel great while my own ego got bruised and battered.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve done – well, to be honest, not so much thinking as just sitting with my feelings, allowing them to go where they would and see what happened. And I was pleasantly surprised to see that when it came to some things, and some people…I no longer cared. The price I had to pay was too high and too RIDICULOUS, when I LIVE IN A HOUSE with people who love me and show it to me unconditionally and constantly, whose egos are strong enough to show me love even when I am battered and bruised.
The Tech Guru? He is awesome. I sat there with my feelings and realized that so much of my growth over the past decade has been aided by him…because he has loved me for who I am, all the aspects of me that so few other people know, and his love has allowed me to really blossom. His love is like fertilizer for my soul…I sit in it and I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face and just feel my spirit growing and blossoming into…whatever it is going to be. My writing, my metaphysical studies, my yoga, my literature, whatever I bring out of my soul to show him, he respects and caresses. He is strong enough to love me openly and without reservation, to communicate any and all of his feelings: when he’s angry, I know. When he loves me, I know. When he wants me, I know. His love does not ask me to give of myself while he keeps himself hidden. It does not ask me to be someone I am not, or to hide all the people that I am. His love gives me strength. It is solid, and strong, and steady and wonderful.
It is food for my soul.
He is important to me, as he should be, because I have made him important. But unlike so many other people in my life, he deserves the importance I give to him. As I reflected upon WHY I needed other people’s love or approval, I couldn’t really come up with a good answer other than…I wanted it. I thought I deserved it. I thought I needed it. But I’ve come this far without it…and in some ways, the absence of certain people has actually helped me to flourish. So…why would I seek to change that, to let them back in so they could just bring me anxiety and stress?
And so here I am, at the end of 2011…and I’ve let a lot of people…
To all of you – my mother, my father, my cousin, former friends – I release you. I wish you peace, I wish you enlightenment and I wish you…joy. But I release you from any responsibility toward me, from any ideas of how I wish you had acted, wish you had been…you were what you were, and I am what I am. And what I am right now, is a woman who is profoundly at peace, because I look over to the living room, at my husband sitting on the floor, playing with the two blessings he has bestowed upon me, and I feel truly happy. No anger, no pain…just unadulterated joy at what I have been so blessed with. I no longer place importance on what I don’t have…because what I have is an incredibly wonderful person as a husband and true best friend, two amazingly intelligent and sensitive children, and a future that with them that looks so bright that I am smiling as I write this.
This life, these people, are important to me.
And they are wonderful.