In Which I Explain Why The Tech Guru Calls Me ‘Hooker’ and I Call Him ‘Motherfucker’

Be forewarned: it’s really not that exciting.

I don’t know if I should even tell you. I’m sure it’s a lot more titillating for you to think that we yell these out at each other when we’re having raw, crazy, baboon-style sex.

(FYI, I don’t really know anything about baboons and their sex lives. It just sounded good. Somebody should look that up, though, and get back to me ASAP.)

Anyhow, one night when we were getting the kids ready for bed, The Tech Guru said something to me, like “Hurry up, hookah.” And he and I cracked up.

Dumb asses that we were, we forgot that Pudding was in the room, and NOTHING gets by this kid.

So of course he asks the obvious: “Why are you calling my mommy a hooker?

(As an aside, you know what I find amazing about that? The “my.” Not, why are you calling Mommy a hooker, but why are you calling MY mommy a hooker. He doesn’t normally refer to me as “my mommy” when he’s talking to his dad, but it was as though he instinctively understood the pejorative and it called up something protective in him. I found that very very interesting.)

To get back to the story, Tech Guru and I laughed and explained it was just a joke and not to be worried. And since then, we’ve had to be make sure to avoid this in front of him or Punksin, because it comes so naturally to us to say it. Why?

It comes from…drumroll please….

my boy Lafayette on True Blood.

I don’t know how many of you are True Blood fans but we LOVE that show. And anyone who does watch it knows that Lafayette is constantly calling people “hookah,” “motherfucker,” and “bitch.”

My favorite line EVER in the show, which I am still trying to find a clip of on Youtube, is when he is talking to his aunt, who is royally fucked up in the head but is trying to extend the hand of friendship to Lafayette. And he looks at her and says “BITCH, now you know that you and me train ain’t NEVUH gonna happen.

The Tech Guru and I were on the floor when Lafayette uttered that and ever since, we have used that phrase ALL THE TIME.

He asks me to make breakfast – “BITCH, that ain’t NEVUH gonna happen.”

I ask him to FIX MY WEBSITE – “HOOKAH, that ain’t NEVUH gonna happen.”  On and on it goes:

Can you make me some coffee, BITCH?” “Make your own goddamn coffee, MOTHERFUCKER.

Have you seen my slippers, HOOKAH?” “They’re right next to the bed, BITCH.

And then we collapse into peals of laughter.

Needless to say, we’ve realized that we have to be SUPER careful about saying crap like this around the kids, because even when it’s not an outright curse word, somehow they just KNOW. And even if we’re laughing and yukking it up, again…somehow they just KNOW. These are not good words. These are not words Mommy and Daddy should be calling each other. As they grow older they will understand that it’s just jokes, that Mommy and Daddy love to share a laugh, that Mommy is psychotic and needs medication, and to KNOCK ON THE FUCKING DOOR when Mommy is meditating instead of just BARGING IN!

Wait…I got lost somewhere. What was I saying now?

Oh yes. No more hooker, bitch and motherfucker around the kids. (Well, we never actually said the last two in their hearing. I know you probably think I am insane enough that I might have, but really, what I’m insane about is protecting their innocence. I am raw as all hell on HERE, but my kids get a very sanitized version of Mommy – still insane, still funny, but SANITIZED.)

So, that’s it folks. Really. Nothing sexual about it, nothing crazy, just lines from a TV show. I’m really sorry if I’ve disappointed you, but really, you should know by now that between me and the Tech Guru exists lots of love, respect and jokes, so, as far as THIS goes anyhow…that’s all I got for you.

 

 

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That’s IT, BITCHES! GO HOME!

P.S. Here’s a quick primer on Lafayette, for those who have yet to make his acquaintance.

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Posted in The Fam, The Laughs | 1 Comment »

One Response to “In Which I Explain Why The Tech Guru Calls Me ‘Hooker’ and I Call Him ‘Motherfucker’”

  1. Cat Lady says:

    I too don’t know anything about baboon sex . . . .HOWEVER True Blood Vampire sex looks VERY tempting. I just discovered that show this year online (don’t have cable) and love that show.

    You guys are too funny