Football for Dummies

So tonight, I am watching football. The Eagles are playing Monday Night Football. (In case you didn’t know, the Eagles are the football team you must support in order to live in this house.)

Now, I am relatively new to the sport. Until I met the Tech Guru some, what, 14 years ago, I didn’t really give a shit. Didn’t understand it, didn’t care to. It was all about baseball for me. But if you like sports in general, and you start living with someone else who likes a sport you don’t happen to know about, well, you’re gonna pick up some stuff here or there and eventually, wow, you actually give a shit who wins a game.

So now, I can understand enough to watch the game with some level of intelligence, but I am far from an expert. There are still terms I don’t understand, and when I come across one, I ask the Tech Guru what the fuck is going on.

Tonight, I see them scroll something across the bottom of the screen about Michael Vick, the quarterback, being second in the league in contact during the dropback.

Well, I don’t know what a dropback is, so because the Tech Guru, who PLAYED FOOTBALL IN COLLEGE and is also my HUSBAND and therefore my go-to person on all matters football, is sitting next to me, I ask him, “What’s a dropback?”

Huh?” he mutters. Because of course, I am asking this WHILE THE GAME IS ON instead of writing all my questions down and asking them AFTER the game. This is annoying. For those of you who are football wives, let me tell you, it is fucking ANNOYING, and I know this. I know better. I also hate explaining sports to people when the action is actually… HAPPENING. It’s annoying to take your head out of the game to answer a question while things are actually going down on the field/court/whatever. Ask  AFTERWARDS.

Despite knowing this, I persist. Because I…am a dumb ass.

I said, what’s a dropback?”

He shakes his head slightly, as if he needs to clear his head to focus on my question. I also think I see a tinge of “why is she asking me this shit NOW when I’m trying to concentrate on the game” but I ignore it because…well, to be honest, I really don’t have a good reason, other than that I wanted to know. Is that not enough?

Where’d you hear that?” he mutters somewhat incoherently.

I sigh. One thing that I find amazing, the Tech Guru NEVER READS THE SHIT scrolling on the TV. ESPN, that scrolling newsbar they have at the bottom? NEVER READS IT. NEV-UH. I read it and still hear/see the news from the anchors. It’s really not that hard. But him, they could write that the world is coming to an end in 12 minutes or that he won Lotto, and he would NEVER FUCKING KNOW.

So of course, he never saw the BIG ASS CAPTION that they put up there about Michael Vick and the dropback.

I tell him about the stat I just saw. The one that WAS ON THE TV MAIN SCREEN, NOT THE SCROLLING NEWSBAR, FOR ABOUT 15 SECONDS.

What’s a dropback…” he repeats slowly and absentmindedly. Apparently, we are in some kind of spelling bee shit or something where you have to repeat the question before answering.

Yes. A dropback,” I reply, waiting. Any minute now I’m expecting him to stand up and say: “D….R…O…..P….B…….A…..C…….K. Dropback,” which is really going to suck, because I don’t have any trophies to hand out for awesome spelling.

But no. Instead, he hits me with this bombshell:

A dropback. Oh. That’s when the quarterback…drops back.”

The room is enveloped in silence.

He stares at the TV.

I stare at him.

He’s staring at the TV.

I’m staring at him.

He is back to watching the game.

Me, I am still staring at him, with something that is somewhere between awe and I-want-to-slap-the-shit-out-of-you.



That, people, was his BIG FUCKING HELPFUL ANSWER OF ENLIGHTENMENT. A DROPBACK, people, is when the quarterback….wait for it now!…..DROPS BACK!!!! I mean, really! How could I have been so FRIGGING STUPID? DUH!





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