Why I’m Freaking Out Today

Two very good reasons:

1. Punksin is going camping with her Girl Scout troop tonight for 2 nights.

I know she’ll be fine, but you don’t understand. Except for the time when Pudding was in ICU for 4 days and I had to spend the nights with him, this child has never spent a night away from me. And I like that. I am going to miss her something awful. I could have gone with the troop – several other mothers are accompanying their children – but I figured she spends so much time with me as it is that it would be good for her to have some time to bond with her fellow scouts, away from the protective eye of moi. Up until yesterday, I was pretty philosophical about it, but today I’m feeling sick to my stomach. Not out of worry – just out of missing her already. Her energy is so pervasive in this house that it will feel so quiet, even with Pudding here.

2. The mole on my back is doing… weird things.

Totally unrelated but even more worrisome, I have a mole on my back that has been annoying me since it showed up 5 years ago. I originally thought it was a scab of some sort and kept scratching at it, until a visit to the dermatologist enlightened me that it was a mole. I made it through childhood and early adulthood with the mole and my face and the one on my stomach and another one under my arm, but now in my 30s and 40s other moles are popping up, and I DON’T WANT THEM. First of all, they’re in places I don’t like. On my back, where it can hide out. Another one is on the underside of my earlobe…thought that was a scab for the LONGEST time until I managed to peel back my earlobe and saw this ugly huge brown flat thing peering back at me. Then another one under my arm – that one I can actually deal with, since it’s small and unobtrusive. But then there’s one hiding under my PUBIC HAIR? Come on, people – really? That too, I thought was a pimple or hair follicle with an ingrown hair, so I kept scratching at it. Then one day I decided to shave the damn thing and there’s ANOTHER GODDAMN MOLE. WTF?!?!

This has all been happening pretty much in the last 7 years, and I kept saying I was going to get the one on my back and my earlobe removed, as well as get some mole mapping done.  For those in the dark, mole mapping is when the doctor makes a map of where all your moles are on your body so you and they can keep track of any new ones that pop up. Seemed like a good idea since all of sudden mine seem to be proliferating like rabbits. But I kept putting it off, figuring it was a cosmetic thing.

But now, the one on my back is looking…odd.

I happened to take a gander at the thing this morning – no easy task, mind you, since it’s in the exact spot on my back that requires me to strain my neck like an owl while praying my body doesn’t whip around before I can peep the damn thing out. What I saw looked a little different from what I’ve been accustomed to seeing…there seemed to be a white spot in the middle of it going up, like some kind of flare. Then I touched it – again with the gymnastic machinations – and noticed that the lower part felt raised, while the upper part felt flat. As though the damn thing is…spreading.  Although to be honest, it doesn’t LOOK any bigger…it actually looks smaller, but I can’t really tell. What I do know is that the possible spreading or irregular edge thing?

Um, those are not good signs in a mole.

I immediately called and made an appointment with the dermatologist for next Wednesday. And between now and then, I will be, as you can guess,

FREAKING OUT.

Which means extra anxiety meds, or alcohol.

Possibly both.

Now I’m missing Punksin more than ever because I know she would keep me distracted. But she’ll be gone until Sunday at noon and I’m gonna miss my little girl something AWFUL. Maybe I’ll spend some of that time praying that this thing on my back is not malignant, and whether it is or not I want it OFF. IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT SOONER, as my great-grandfather used to say.

Time for meds. IMMEDIATELY.

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