The Poop Story: A Picture Book

Once upon a time there was a lady.

And this lady was hard at work one day, writing...some shit or another.

But while she was busy working...

Her son could not get his shit together. Really.So the nice lady - okay, let's be real, she was fucking awesome - gave her son a magical formula that was guaranteed to cure his woes. (Most of you might know it as a laxative.)

Then she waited.

And waited.

And daydreamed about some totally inappropriate shit that you shouldn't be thinking about when your kids are in the room...

And checked out some porn on the internet. Wait. Is this supposed to be a CHILDREN'S story?

And then...she got the call. Time to get this shit on the road. Literally. (Yes, we are going to use the word shit in every possible way in this story, because we are SO fucking creative. Or lazy.)

The absofucking awesome lady grabbed her son (and his trusty iPad, Diego has a backpack but this kid has an iPAD, okay?), and they hastened to the bathroom. Also known as the potty if you're reading this to your kids which we hope to God you're not.

And he sat. And they played games on the iPad while waiting for the poop to descend.

And there was more playing of iPad.

Then the lady began to wonder...who fucked with her secret formula? The poop was supposed to come rushing out like Niagara Falls. Obviously, some nefarious plot is afoot.

"Someone is messing with my kungfu! And my porn time as well. Oh, and also my son's butt. I don't think so," she said ominously.

It occurred to her that someone just might need a good foot up their ass. Wait! Maybe...her son?

At the thought of a big toe as a giant suppository, the son's bowels magically released their contents. (Right after laxatives, fear is a great bowel loosener.)

Now the son was happy. (He was also about 5 pounds lighter.)

And the lady was happy that she could go back to looking at her internet porn and clothes shopping. Oh, and also that her son was no longer suffering, yeah, that part.

And if you can figure out the moral of this story, please let us know. We have no fucking idea, hence the blurry photo as metaphor.

I think right about here I should clarify/point out some stuff:

  1. Personally, I have no problem with porn, but I do not watch internet porn. There’s no point to seeing a man’s business on a goddamn computer when I can go face to face up close and personal.
  2. Wait…that didn’t come out right.
  3. In case you haven’t been following along, which is completely rude of you but I’ll forgive it this ONE TIME, my son was having constipation problems that actually went on for a lot longer than this little vignette suggests.  But he’s okay now.  We think.
  4. I would not seriously use my big toe as a stool softener.  A well lubricated and gloved finger, however, was suggested to me by the pediatrician.  I don’t know about you, but when I hear the words lubricated and finger in the same sentence, my mind goes to a whole other happy place.
  5. Is this bothering you?
  6. All of these incredibly awesome photos were taken by my incredibly awesome daughter, who is only 6.  As you should already know, I do not disclose her name on this site for privacy reasons, but suffice it to say that the pictures belong to her, via me, and if I see them anywhere else I will hunt you down and shank you.
  7. In case you have your doubts about #6 and think you can throw these photos up on some obscure site that only you and your momma know about, don’t forget that Punksin’s dad is the Tech Guru.  (I was going to call him the Hacker but that would have reminded me of that dude on Cyberchase.)
  8. But I digress!!!  THE POINT IS…Daddy has a degree in COMPUTER ENGINEERING.  He knows how to HACK shit, and FIND shit that’s been hacked, or stolen, or supposedly lost in cyberspace. (Well, all except for that time I threw my computer across the room and totaled it…boy was HE pissed, and it takes a LOT to piss off the Tech Guru, you have no idea. I try on a daily basis to see how far I can go cuz it’s kind of like a game to me, like stacking cards and holding your breath to see when they’ll fall kind of thing, but I think he’s on to me).
  9. Okay!! Stop distracting me!!! Everything leaves a trail. YOU CANNOT HIDE. WE WILL FIND YOU. FOR REALS. And once HE finds you…I will shank you.
  10. You have been warned.

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2 Responses to “The Poop Story: A Picture Book”

  1. Jean-Pierre says:

    I really like how you put this post together. Very creative. The story was hilarious as well.

  2. KUKy says:

    That was some funny Shit , lol ……………..