September 11th, 2010
This song actually came up in therapy. I was 3 years old when this song came out, and I always imagined that my father was sitting in the clouds up in heaven, looking down and singing this song to me.
Then my mom came home from work one day when I was 7 and told me she’d run into my father on the street. Uh, what? Turns out he wasn’t actually dead; she’d just told me that because she didn’t know how else to explain why he wasn’t around. Oh-kay! So I went from believing my dad was this benevolent man who wanted nothing more than to be with me but couldn’t be, to being totally fucking confused. What do you mean he’s alive? Where the hell has he been for 7 years? And now we’re going to dinner so I can meet…my dad? Who up until 2 days ago I thought was dead? WTF?
So yes, we went to dinner, where my father started to demote himself from smiling angel in heaven to drunk German wishy-washy asshole. He asked me what I wanted. Having been raised not to be too demanding of strangers, I asked for a doll. He roared with laughter and then chided me. Why ask for a doll, he said, when I could ask for a horse or something huge? All of which, by the way, he could easily afford to give me – but never did. Not dolls, not horses, not clothes, not money for school, not love, not interest – nothing.
And thus began the long descent into depression…whoo hoo!