September 17th, 2010
I always thought naming your period like a person was stupid. Yes, I know – this from a woman who visualizes her depression as a 9-foot black dragon named Claude. Whatever – I never claimed to be completely logical. As far as my own monthly drama goes, I never saw my period as a person but as some completely massive and overwhelming thing like… the Red Sea. Which should tell you way more than you ever wanted to know about the sheer volume of…emissions…I have to deal with every 33 days or so.
As another one of those things-you-never-wanted-to-know-but-I’m-going-t0-tell-you-anyhow factoids, I read somewhere that the average output when a woman menstruates is 6-9 tablespoons of fluid.
What a joke. Give me half an hour and I’ll give you a transfusion.
Are you reading this in horror thinking, when will she shut the fuck up? Has she never heard of too much information?
I hope not. I specialize in too much information. You should know this by now.
Anyhow, where was I?
Yes, names for periods. Stupid. But far be it from me to stop you from having a term of endearment for your little visitor. It got me to thinking about all the things I’ve heard people say when trying to be discreet about that time of the month. I no longer try to get cute about it; you ask me what’s going on, I tell you the truth: I’m fucking bleeding to death. Really. I get pale, my temperature goes down to dangerous levels, and I basically lie down on the couch and assume the position of a corpse. (Which is not so good when I overflow, and that’s why our next couch is going to be a red one.)
Here are some names I remember/heard/read. Got any you’d care to add?
- Aunt Flo – this bitch is everywhere. You might not call your period that, but you know who this heifer is.
- A little ketchup with my steak – apparently used by men who have no qualms about going deep sea-diving at that time of the month. You will not hear this in my house. My husband actually moves in to a hotel when my period comes. It’s for his own safety.
- Blowing a fuse – I guess some people have electrical shocks in their vaginas? To me, this sounds a lot more like an orgasm, but whatever.
- Carrie – if you’ve seen the movie (please, see the original) you will totally understand this reference.
- Closed for maintenance/renovations
- Code Red – can you imagine if we had a female president saying this? talk about your big oops.
- Crimson Curse – now, I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m a sports fan, but this just sounds a little too much like a college football team and marching band is busting out of your vagina. What next, the Rose Bowl?
- My pussycat has a nosebleed – a nosebleed? I guess my pussycat got hit by a car!
- A bloody waste of fucking time – I love the play on words and the sheer truth of it. I think this is a favorite.
- Girl flu – if we can have swine flu and bird flu, I guess we can have girl flu. Thank God it’s not contagious.
- The hunt for Red October– if my period only came in October, life would be a hell of a lot easier.
- Making vampire teabags – this is an old one, but considering how vampires have become such a big part of the zeitgeist, I guess it’s more appropriate than ever.
- Red Rum. Red Rum – another Stephen King reference. See The Shining. If your periods make you feel murderous like mine do, this will make perfect sense to you.
- Sunday Bloody Sunday – and Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. And Friday. And Saturday.