August 8th, 2010
Well, that was interesting.
The thing I hate about these things is that you can feel so lost.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved being there and really got some good concrete information out of it. Best of all, I came away feeling renewed energy for writing, and a real desire to get my ass back up and running again.
But part of that desire stemmed from the feeling that if I don’t get my ass back up and running, I will forever be on the outskirts of the whole “scene”.
People know each other in the blogosphere, as they call it. They have friends, they have their posses, and when they get to these things it’s a great chance to either meet or catch up face to face.
I don’t have that, because I don’t really know anyone out there. Sure, there are a few people I follow, like BusyMom, but I couldn’t have found her in all that madness and even if I had, then what? She doesn’t know me from the rest of her 9 million followers. I’d feel like a stalker.
I know that in great part that is my fault. When I sank into my depression I stopped blogging, I stopped connecting, and the world went on without me. Now I’m trying to catch up, and I feel like most of the folks I had once perhaps started to build a connection with are at mile 25 of the marathon while I’m still starting all over again at mile 1.
I could have blogged about being depressed, I suppose, but for one, I didn’t really recognize that I was depressed. All I knew was that I had lost the desire to write, that putting things into concrete words only seemed to solidify and confirm the horrible way I was feeling. Keeping it vague seemed like a good way of keeping it at bay – you know, like the old advice about keeping people from getting to you by not acknowledging them and their bullshit in the first place.
But I decided that this is the LAST year that I am going to feel like that at BlogHer. I either need to step it up or not go.
I’d rather take option 1.