August 23rd, 2010
Fall is coming, there’s that tinge of coolness in the air, and for me, that means it’s time to get armed with my Weapons of Mass Destruction against the depression that usually hits me full force at this time of year.
So, inspired by the incredible Karen Walrond (she of Chookooloonks fame), I decided that instead of keeping my list of things I want to accomplish in life in some beautiful but hidden notebook where I will only come across it once in a blue moon (because I have 1000 notebooks – notebooks and pretty paper are like crack to me), I am going to put it right here where I can find it easily and share it with anyone who might possibly give two shits about what I want to do in life. And more importantly, get cracking on it.
The other thing I am going to do is move my Thankfulness journal here as well. I had actually started writing some time back about the things I was thankful for, but I took it offline and put it in a notebook (yes, that again) next to my bed. Bedtime has been the time for me to sit down and reflect on all the things in the day that I could be thankful for. I started doing that when I decided to actively fight depression. At first, there were many days when I would get to bed, tired, worn out and once again wondering why I existed and how much longer I would, and it felt like scraping the bottom of the barrel to find one thing that had been positive about my day. But I persisted, and even if the one thing I found was trivial to the point of sounding ridiculous, I wrote it down and I made myself feel grateful for it in the biggest way I could muster up, to show depression that I would not be bested by Seemingly Big Events because I could find happiness even in Small Moments. Yes, there are some days where life slaps me upside the head to make me think it is the boss of me, but it is getting easier and easier to be genuinely happy about the little pleasures that life sends to me, and the more gratitude I express, the bigger the good things are that are coming my way. All of it makes me teary-eyed, but they are tears of thankfulness and joy and gratitude that I am here and aware to experience the things that I may very well have missed had I not decided to fight.
I have to warn you, some of my thankfulness lists can get repetitive; I am often grateful for the same things over and over. If that bores you, I’m sorry, but I continue to express gratitude for the same things not because I have run out of things to be thankful for, or out of laziness, but because I truly am thankful every day for those things. My kids, for instance – yes, they can go berzerk at times, but I learned long ago to be thankful that they are little energetic monsters, normal, robust, healthy kids who are doing what kids are supposed to do. My husband who is like the goddamn Rock of Gibraltar, so unflappable and unmovable is he in his belief in me – how could I possibly stop expressing thanks to him and for him? I think expressing gratitude whenever I feel it and putting that out in the universe is a good thing.
And yes, when I feel thankful for people, I will write it here, but I also try to let them know personally. There are many people, from close friends to fellow bloggers I’ve never met, who manage to brighten my day and help me in one way or another. They won’t know that a post they wrote or something they tweeted or something they said to me offhandedly was the difference between me spending the day in darkness or living it in light. I’d like to think that the more that people are aware of the positive effects of words and actions they had thought nothing of, the more they’ll spread that kind of light around.
So stay tuned. Fall is coming – and I’m ready to rumble.