July 23rd, 2008
Lots has happened in the past few weeks. Lots. Too much to go into here in great detail, although for some of it, I wish I could. Suffice it to say:
- The Hacker’s job is moving, and he is very busy NOT looking for another job. He wants to consult full-time, but I don’t think we’re ready for that.
- Punksin “graduated” from school. Technically she didn’t graduate, but we say she did because she’s smarter than half of the little f’ers that are moving on to kindergarten. Society chooses to start the forgo the obvious criteria of INTELLIGENCE and opt for the MUCH more reliable AGE factor, and so, by virtue of being only 4, she needs to sit through another year of pointing out which shapes are circles and which ones are squares. Ridiculous. So we pulled her out, and will be homeschooling. At least, I think so.
- Pudding had his 1st birthday, which we celebrated in extremely low-key fashion, given that we were hopping on a plane for the Cayman Islands the next day. I felt some guilt, because we’d had Punksin’s bubble babies friends over for her 1st birthday – but then, we had a party when Pudding was actually born and we didn’t do that for her. So I guess it all evens out.
- The Hacker’s mother came for a visit. Interesting, that was. Suffice it to say I collected some new info that makes me think she’s not as helpless as she pretends to be. Of course, the Hacker will hear none of it – it’s hard to accept that someone you’re accustomed to viewing as helpless might actually be manipulating you, especially when it’s your own mother. I’m kind of washing my hands of them and their drama, though, because I realize that to a great extent, the drama makes him feel needed and wanted, and he refuses to entertain the thought that there could be real negative feelings like envy and anger towards him. Anytime any negative feelings do crop up, he insists on viewing it “They all just want to spend more time with me.” It always comes back to the general idea that they just love him and want to be a part of his life. And I think that yes, they definitely want to be a bigger part of his life, but not purely for his companionship. But, as they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. I’ve realized, even about myself, that you have breakthroughs in life only when you’re ready to have them; you break bad habits only when you’re ready, despite how much advice you’ve received. You see the truth only when you’re ready, despite having heard it time and time again. And you make changes only when you’re ready, when you finally want to, because YOU are ready. So trying to get him to understand that his family, including his not-so-docile mother, is not quite as innocent as they appear when they start slinging about their “You only care about that family over there. The Hacker needs to believe the best about them, needs to feel needed by them, needs their approval, needs to believe that all of their frustration with him comes from pure love with no remote taint of anything else. I don’t think he would see it that way, but after watching him interact with all of them for years (what, a decade now?), that’s what I see in him: a need to be some shining example of goodness, the belief that they look up to him with love and gratitude and pride. I’ve rarely heard any of them SAY anything about those feelings though, and that’s pretty telling. What I see in them is an annoyance that he’s not bailing people out of their various messes and providing easy solutions. He sees it too – but he refuses to take the next step of interpreting what it must mean.
Well, that last one got a bit longer than I intended, but the next post will include some information on How Much I Detest My Former Employer. Gotta run.