July 2nd, 2008
Last night, The Hacker’s cell phone rings. It was in the bedroom and he was downstairs working, so I looked at it to make sure it wasn’t a business call that he needed to get. It wasn’t, it was his frat brother, so I let it go to voicemail and fell asleep.
This morning, said frat brother calls again. Apparently, he wants The Hacker to accompany him to Toronto. To Caribana.
To those of you not familiar with Caribana, let me point you to another part of the world, namely, Rio. At Carnival time. Or perhaps you’re more familiar with Trinidad’s Carnival, although how you could know about Trinidad and not know about Rio is beyond me, but whatever. My point is, that’s what Caribana is – Toronto’s Carnival.
Lots of women, parading around half-naked. Partying and generally Having Fun. Not something we’re too familiar with in this house these days, and yet here is an opportunity for him to go and do it. Without me.
Now, if I’m going to be completely honest, which I do try to be, The Hacker, in telling me about the invitation, did say that he used to go (which I knew) but that things are different now – some nod to his family responsibilities, I suppose. And he did say he would of course discuss it with me first.
And at a different time, I’d be pushing him out the door. Have fun, I would say. Have a blast. Tell me all about it when you get back. I don’t think we have to do everything together, and I don’t think his life has to stop because he’s a dad.
But now, I feel vulnerable. And therefore, not so accommodating. Because when the hell am I going to get to up and leave my family for a weekend? He’s been to Panama for a week, Tampa for a weekend, and out drinking after work on occasion.
I have never spent one night away from these children. I don’t go anywhere or do crap, and on the few occasions since Diana’s birth that I have ventured out, I return to the roost like a goddamn homing pigeon, because someone needs milk.
So once again, the timing of this is giving me pause. Why now? Have we reached that point where I am just so familiar and boring that he’s looking outside with renewed interest? Again, not saying he can’t have a life or friends – but where are the attempts to do anything with me? Not so much fun, I guess. Been there, done that?
He hasn’t said he wants to go. But I think he does. And if he does, that bothers me, because it shows a complete indifference to my worries right now, worries and fears I have voiced to him. If he can hear me voice my concerns – no small feat because I don’t like admitting to any chinks in my armor – and still think that this is what he wants to do, well, that says some things to me.
I should point out that even prior to all of this female companionship and whatnot, I was mildly concerned about the state of affairs between us. Mainly that there is no real state of affairs between us. We function in this house right now as co-parents and best friends. And don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that he’s a great dad, and I love the fact that he is so supportive of my work. But I have friends, you know? And while I want him to be one of them, there’s supposed to be a little bit more there – some of that stuff that made us parents in the first place, you know?
Then there’s the whole Loss Of Me syndrome. I left my job to become SuperMom, which I did for 2 years, just turned into Mommy. And since then I’ve been dabbling in this and dabbling in that and not being very successful at anything – because I have to be Mom first, and do all the things that go along with that. And the fact that my personal & professional life is practically on hold is scary enough – add to that mix a husband who seems to be moving farther away from me and what do I have left? Just my kids? I love them to pieces, no doubt, but they cannot be my reason for existence. There has to be more to my life than that – for me and for them.
I’ve said all of this, and all I got in response was not to worry, we’re just going through a Phase. All said in a paternal, friendly, unconcerned voice that, far from being reassuring was frightening in its lack of passion, its bland noncommittal. He pointed out to me that you can’t turn “these things” on and off. That too, frightened me – because it acknowledged that he is “off”. If he weren’t, he would have protested to that effect, no?
I don’t know what more to say or do. All the clothes & toys (yes, as yet unused) I buy and hair I blow out and makeup I put on and concerns I voice are not working; all I’m doing is feeling more the ass every time I get laughed off. I guess I waited too long to address the problem and that train has already left the station to go to whatever destination it has.
I hope he has fun – at Caribana, or wherever else he goes. I’m not trying to stop or change anything anymore. It is what it is, as he likes to say, and I guess that’s what he wants it to be. I’m the only one trying right now, and I’m not doing it anymore.