Yesterday, I was regaling my aunt once again with a Punksin anecdote, and my heart suddenly yearned to be sharing it with my mother.  My mother would get such a laugh out of Punksin’s innocently hilarious comments, I know she would.  And as much as I love calling my aunt with them, not being able to share them with my mother is at best sad, on days like yesterday, heart-wrenching.

Every now and then I get called on to explain to Punksin where her grandfather and grandmother are, and quite frankly it would actually be easier if I could say they were dead.  Death, she gets now, to some extent.  But to say they’re here but not around is difficult, for me anyway, because of the implication, thankfully still unexplored, that they’re not around because they don’t want to be.  So far I’ve been able to get away with saying that my mother is sick, which is actually true.  As for her grandfather, it would be a bit much to say “He’s an asshole” and therefore I don’t say much beyond that he is very very far away, along with some mumbled words about “He’d see you if he could,” words that I know are not at all true.

This is yet another reason why I want to make some serious changes in life and move ahead and beyond what I’ve been and known for so long.  There’s no way I can escape them – I’m reminded of my father every time I gaze on Pudding’s blonde hair – but I don’t need to be limited by them and their tragic mistakes.  And 38 is perhaps a bit late to be realizing that but better late than never.  I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy, and while I know there will always be a part of me that wishes things were different, the bigger picture is that I can’t change them or the past, I can only change me and my future, change the bad habits that hold me back, and make my life and the life of my very wonderful family beautiful.  I love all of them – The Hacker, Punksin and Pudding -too much to continue being unhappy and engaging in all of the behavior that being so depressed and miserable entails.  They deserve a more centered, peaceful me.

And I deserve that version of myself.

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