Hi-5 Might Be Higher Than You Think

It was a loooooooooonnng weekend.

I felt as though most of last week was consumed with preparations for Punksin’s birthday party. She is only turning 4 and trust me, we did not have the NYC type of party where I flew in Celine Dion or Hannah Montana to sing Happy Birthday. It was pretty simple: 2 hours of arts & crafts and playing at the local kids’ YMCA, a pretty snazzy but financially accessible to all community-oriented facility. Still, I kept feeling like I was going to forget to bring something important: the cake, the candles, the baby…

Thankfully, I remembered all of those things and it went off without any disasters. The only “bad” part is that I did virtually no work and am now playing catch up, somewhat. Or rather, I should be playing catch up. But I can’t, because Punksin had the audacity to get sick right after her party and is therefore home today. The fact that I am even getting this post out is a miracle.

What I find trying about the staying-home-when-sick thing is that, 9 times out of 10, I am keeping her home not because she is too ill to go to school, but because I am trying to be considerate of all the other kids who don’t need this one coughing and sneezing her germs all over them. (She’s actually pretty good about covering her mouth and all that, but still, at almost 4, there are bound to be lapses.) But make no mistake about it, Punksin is not lying faintly on the sofa, moaning softly and looking piqued. Oh no. She is bouncing off the frigging walls in here. She has a gazillion presents from her birthday party (more on that later, but suffice it to say that next year we are so downsizing this whole birthday thing) and she wants to play with every single one of them right now.

With me.

Of course, Pudding is still here too, and he has taken a liking to shrieking for no reason. Or rather it starts out being for no reason and quickly crescendos into why-aren’t-you-paying-attention-to-me-pick-me-up-NOW screams.

This is the day I’m having.

I am no big fan of TV. I don’t hate it, don’t get me wrong, there are many shows I love myself (sci-fi and murder being my common themes) and certain shows I do let Punksin watch (uh, no sci-fi or murder for her), but I don’t like parking her in front of it all day. On sick days, though, I feel as though it’s a treat – for her and me. So now she is watching Hi-5.

Do you know Hi-5? A group of – yes! five! – young adults, carefully and I’m sure deliberately chosen from different ethnic backgrounds, who sing the corniest fucking songs on the planet with rather maniacal cheer while hordes of adoring groupies of Punksin’s age try their best to sing along and do the dance steps. This must be, for these youngsters, what the Partridge Family and the Monkees were for me. But the difference is, the Partridge Family and the Monkees sang songs that an adult could sing without sounding like an ass. The songs might have been relatively clean-cut, but they were still cool.

Then I saw her face/Now I’m a believer!

Not a trace of doubt/Clouding my mind

I’m in love (oooooooooooh!)/I’m a believer, I couldn’t leave her if I tried.

The saccharine crap that Hi-5 is going on and on about – some drivel about round and round and round we go and then we end up with me, whoopee! – is enough to drive me insane, in no small part because it is blaring out of my speakers as my daughter creates her First Pop Concert with an Audience of One (and one unwilling mother). I looked Hi-5 up online: at least two of them were in their early 30s when the shows were taped. I have to believe that the completely over the top singing and exaggerated dramatic cuteness drove them batshit too. I want to believe it, because it is the only way that they could possibly be redeemed in my eyes.

I actually started a post about this already, as yet untitled but the theme being, I’m Sick of Laurie Berkner. It’s not even Laurie Berkner personally. She’s probably very cool and, as kids’ songs go, hers are pretty okay. She sings to kids without turning herself into a simpering idiot and because of that, she goes over well with adults too. But I’m just sick of kids music period. I mean, I left my six-figure job, I went from high-heels to low Steve Maddens to flat Payless to do I really even need these shoes unless they’re sneakers. I now wash and wear my hair as opposed to getting it done and highlighted regularly, I self-manicure with my teeth (more out of stress than financial necessity) and I went from personal trainer to unused gym membership to unattended strollercise. Life Has Changed, all in the name of my increasing household and decreasing budget. Can I please, please, please, have my fucking music at least? Can I just have something, for me, some remnant of my former cool life? Just something. For me. Please. A goddamn song is all I’m asking for, you know?

I will continue this in another post – because it deserves it’s own post and because then I can rant all I want in a dedicated place.

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One Response to “Hi-5 Might Be Higher Than You Think”

  1. Audrey says:

    You know, Wilma often played whatever got her through the day, and today some of my fondest memories of childhood come from songs she and my dad listened to. Of course we had Mary Poppins and stuff like Pop Goes the Weasel and Skip to My Lou, but that we also listened to all my mom’s classical and folk music, dad’s blues and r&b. You should give yourself a break and play some of your stuff.